Johnny Introvert: Reflections of a half-Asian loner

Experiments in Self-Portraiture 4

2012-01-15T23:27:00.002-05:00

I actually find it kinda funny that I only made two posts during the entire year of 2011.

Experiments in Self-Portraiture 3

2011-08-11T21:29:00.001-04:00

Experiments in Self-Portraiture 2

2011-05-21T18:42:00.002-04:00

Experiments in Self-Portraiture 1

2010-10-01T19:44:00.002-04:00

Parlez-vous Français?

2010-08-31T20:34:00.003-04:00

(Click image to see the entire page)

Some day, I hope to make love to a woman who speaks French, because in the throes of passion, when she is screaming,

Oui, Oui, Ouiiiiiiiiii!

as an English speaker, I would interpret that as

Wheee, Wheeee, Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

which I believe is exactly the sound of joyful delight a woman should make when love to her is being made.

The Clicking Insect

2010-08-21T14:23:00.006-04:00

For many years, around this time of year, I have heard a very mysterious sound. While walking by a leafy bush or shrub, I'd hear a series of very loud clicks. I was sure it was some kind of insect, but how big would it have to be to make such a loud noise? Of course, every time I stuck my head into the bushes to look for the source of the clicking, it would go silent, and I would see nothing but leaves. Thus, the mystery lingered. What could it be?

Today, after a refreshing morning run, I was approaching my front door when I heard the mysterious clicks again, this time coming from the foyer of my condo! I entered and looked upward to see, clinging to the ceiling light, an enormous green insect! I quickly went inside to get a suitable container (a transparent cookie box), then ran back out to catch the giant monster. I suspected he was a katydid, since he seemed to match an image I recollect seeing in a book as a child. But that book never gave me the impression they were so big. This guy was about three inches long! I recall that book saying katydids make a chirp that sounds like "katydid" (would that make the word "katydid" an onomatopoeia?), but that is definitely not the clicking sound I heard. I suppose they could be capable of making different types of sounds. Or else there could be different types of katydids that have different chirps.

Anyway, I was able to get some great pics using my camera's macro feature. Some of them are quite stunning. These are all enlargeable.

I also recorded a movie of the katydid making the clicking sound. (He only clicks in the first 20 seconds. The rest of the vid is rather uneventful--he just walks around.)

After taking the photos and the movie, I am happy to say the katydid was released back into the wild, unharmed.

Moved Back In

2010-07-18T15:54:00.003-04:00

Well, I have moved back in to my condo. The work has been completed, except for the things I forgot about, which I probably will not get around to finishing off for a while. For my bathroom walls, I ended up pulling off the tiles from one wall, and using them to tile the other wall. The only problem was there weren't enough tiles to cover the entire wall. So that wall is now aqua-blue-teal down to about a foot off the floor, and then white tiles! And the wall from which the tiles were removed--that is now all white tiles. I probably shouldn't have, but I did the work myself. I thought I did a good job smoothing out the wall with thin-set mortar before I put the tiles on, but as soon as they went up, it was clear that the wall wasn't as smooth as it should have been. But at that point, I was beyond caring. The wall is solid and water-tight, so I can live with it. If the next owner has a problem with it, he can do something about it. Anyway, having a two-toned bathroom is bad enough, so having walls with contour--who cares. So I've been moved back in for about 3 weeks now, and my life has pretty much gotten back to normal. Although I still have a lot of boxes of stuff lying around, and I don't see much point in unpacking if I am going to be moving out as soon as I hope. Of course, finding another place is a long slow process, so maybe it won't be quite so soon.

Removing all my stuff from the POD was a heart-wrenching experience. First, I had a bucket of bleach-solution in hand to wipe everything down. The mildew stench was quite overwhelming. But I also discovered for the first time all the stuff in the back of the POD that was ruined by water. I had some plastic trashbags full of sheets and bedding sitting on the floor, which were sopping wet. They'd been sopping wet for three months--ewwwww, gross! Amazingly, most of them went through the wash and came out just fine. But my comforter didn't make it. Also, a drawer full of old CD's and tapes was completely submerged, and still full of water after three months. I cleaned off the CD's and ripped them. But the tapes I just threw out. All my old Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Blue Oyster Cult, Iron Maiden and Ozzy tapes from high school. All unsalvageable. Oh well. I haven't listened to them in years anyway. Tapes--talk about obsolete technology! I realized even my CD collection, safely stored in the dry upper drawers, is really a liability when it has to be moved. And most of those I never listen to either. Think I'll rip them too, and then get rid of them. Should have done it years ago. Nothing like a disaster to pull yo into the present.

Turns out it was a good decision to hire my own contractors, because all the folks who were waiting for the management company to handle the restoration got screwed. The insurance carrier determined that most of the units were below grade, so they would only pay to replace dry-wall. So there was only insurance money for drywall. For everything else, those people have to hire their own contractors and use their FEMA money, or pay out of pocket. I got an early jump, so I'm all moved back in, but just about everyone else is still having work done. Believe me, there are some angry people around here.

Anyway, yeah, life getting back to normal. I've been resting and trying to relax since I moved back in, and I'll continue to do that for the time being. But at some point, I'm gonna start looking around at other places, see what I can afford, and think about where I want to live. I don't want to be here for the next flood.

Here are some pics I took during the second flood. This first one is my POD. (These are all enlargeable).

This next one is the worst part of the parking lot. You can see how well the sandbag wall worked.

And these PODs belonged to my neighbors.

It was pretty bad.

Progress, and yet...

2010-05-22T13:11:00.000-04:00

The contractor worked all week, and now he is nearly done. It all looks pretty good for the most part, so much of my worry was misplaced. However, he has yet to install my new countertop and cabinets, and so naturally I am worried he will fuck that up. Also, I realized that my plan to have my bathroom walls retiled isn't going to work out. The bastards that did the demolition threw out all my old tiles, and there is no way I will ever find any with the matching color, sort of a light-bluish-green-aqua type color. So right now, I have bare cement-board on the lower 2 feet of my walls, and the unmatchable tiles above that. I think I might tear out all the tiles and have the plasterer come in again and plaster it up. Ugh. More time, more money, more hassles, more headaches. Oh, and on top of that, an unfortunate accident has left my toilet tank lid cracked in two. Not too confident I'll be able to find a replacement for that either. Ever have the feeling that everything in your life is going wrong? I have. I was handling everything so well up until the work actually started, and now my stomach is tied in knots. Isn't it funny how little in life is actually within your control? Trying to come to terms with that is my main challenge right now.

Disaster Update

2010-05-15T12:05:00.001-04:00

Well, my life has been in a state of total chaos for the past two months. I moved all my stuff out, as I mentioned in my last post, into a POD storage container which is sitting in my parking space. Pretty much off it survived the flood, since I got everything up off the floor beforehand. But then two weeks later, we had another disastrous rain storm that dumped another 8 inches of rain on us. And this time, my stuff was far more vulnerable in the POD, which flooded worse than my unit did. So some of my stuff was damaged, and a lot of it I still don't really know how bad it is, because I can't get to the stuff in the back of the POD. It's packed pretty tight.

I was waiting for the management company to get the contractors to work, which they said would take 4 to 6 weeks. And I waited and waited. And the work never started, due to one delay or another. So I finally lost my patience, and decided to hire my own contractor. He is due to start on Monday, and he thinks it can be done in one week. I hope he is right, but not optimistic. Being the obsessive worrier that I am, I keep thinking of all the snags he is going to encounter, and wondering if he is up to the task. Or if he is capable of doing a good job. He did some work for another neighbor who gave him a glowing endorsement, but my unit has more damage than hers had. I am finding it very stressful having to trust him to do the job. And in my haste to hire someone (anyone!), I might have chosen poorly. I already found out too late that he's not a real, licensed general contractor, but rather a registered home improvement contractor. So he cannot pull permits. I ended up pulling the permit myself. See, I thought things like that were going to be taken care of without my involvement, but no. Anyway, the plan is for him to start on Monday, so we'll see how it goes.

This ordeal has reminded me once again of what seems to be the main problem in my life. I worry that things will not go right. I feel like disaster is awaiting me behind every corner. I always expect the worst. And I hate having to depend on anyone. This is how my mind works all the time, and usually it's not a major problem, because I usually don't face obstacles that I cannot overcome on my own. But it takes very little to disrupt my equilibrium. And a disaster like this, well, you get the idea. It's such an unhealthy way to live, to think nothing will ever work out right, that when you really need help, you're not gonna get it, that the world is a hostile place where dark forces are just waiting to eat you alive, and you're on your own. I can understand religious people who put their faith in a benevolent superbeing who will take care of everything. I am even envious. But I know I'm way too cynical to ever live like that. Ah, fuck it, there's some point I'm trying to make, but it's not really working out, and my brain is all muddled anyway, so just forget it. Anyone want to buy a flood prone condo?

Disaster

2010-03-20T10:56:00.002-04:00

Been flooded out of my condo. Moved all my stuff out so that they can clean up and rip out walls, which they said will take 4-6 weeks, but I'm sure it will take longer. I'll be staying at my dad's in the meantime, and who knows, maybe I won't come back. Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. I probably won't be able to update this blog too frequently on the situation, but seeing as this is a major life event, I thought it was blog-worthy.

Producing a Specimen

2010-01-31T16:17:00.003-05:00

So I've been meaning to write a post about the recent anxiety in my life. Seems like a low-grade tension has been smoldering in me for the past few months, and just when it seems like it's fading, something else comes along to fan it into a blaze again.

So backing up, I got laid off in December. It had nothing to do with job performance or cut-backs, or any of the usual reasons. Just that the research lab I work at decided they wanted to terminate the contract with the subcontracting company I work for. However, I was immediately picked up by another subcontracting company in good standing with the lab, so I am currently doing the exact same job, at the exact same place, and even sit at the exact same desk. This isn't nearly as much of an upheaval as it would have been if I had in fact been forced to search for a new job, but it was still an unpleasant experience.

Here's what stressed me out the most: the new company required a drug test. Now look, I don't use drugs, so I had nothing to worry about as far as the results go. But what worried me was an item I noticed on the drug-test form. There was a check-box that said "Observed" and a space for a comment. When I saw that, I thought, oh god, is someone going to hover over me and watch me as I try to pee into the cup? Was cheating that much of a concern? My bladder is shy enough without someone standing there watching me. If I was expected to "produce a specimen" while under close surveillance, I am quite certain I would not be able to relax enough to get a stream going. I kept trying to convince myself that they couldn't test like that. This wasn't the military, and it wasn't a probation test, or anything like that. They couldn't strip someone of that much privacy during this test, could they? But then what was that "Observed" check-box for? Ugh. So I spent the entire weekend being totally stressed about it. After all, the stakes were pretty high. My entire livelihood depended on passing this test, so I'd be totally screwed if I couldn't even provide a sample. Not to mention how embarrassing it would be. Every other aspect of the hiring process had been completed. Imagine if, after all that, I had to face the HR people and say, "sorry, I, um, er, well..." Yeah, wouldn't that be fun.

So I went to the testing facility on the Monday after my stress-filled weekend. The test administrator filled out the form, gave me a cup, and steered me into a tiny little room with a toilet. Aha, a little bit of privacy! My relief was instant and total. All my stress evaporated immediately. I filled the cup without any worries at all, and that was that.

As for the "Observed" check-box, the administrator left it unchecked. He left other things blank too. I guess it didn't matter, because I passed and have now been on the job for several weeks.

But the point is, once again, I was thrown into a tailspin of anxiety by something that turned out not to be a problem at all. I swear, I could spin myself up into a panic over the least little worry. When the anxious thoughts race uncontrollably through my mind, there's just no way to stop them. It seems that whenever I find my life to be calm, pleasant and balanced, it takes so little to disrupt it. I gotta work on that.

So I Got Myself Into A Jam (Updated)

2009-12-09T21:21:00.001-05:00

Today when I got home from work, tired, hungry, grumpy, I was greeted with the odor of cigarette smoke in my hallway. In my condo, people are allowed to smoke in their units, but not in the hallway. This has been a problem lately, since one of my neighbors recently decided to take up smoking. Today, I wasn't in a mood to tolerate it, so I went to confront him. Of course, he denied smoking in the hallway, and as irritated as I was, I persisted in my accusations. This was definitely a mistake, since it's never good to stir up tension with your neighbors, and it ended with him getting really bent out of shape, yelling at me, and slamming his door in my face. A few minutes later, he knocked on my door to yell at me some more! This really freaked me out, because it's been years since anyone yelled at me like that. He was clearly very pissed off.

But it's worse than just some tension with my neighbor. This particular neighbor is also the super. So there's really no one else I can complain to, unless I want to escalate things and get the management company involved. I'm not inclined to do that, because that will surely only make things worse.

So what should I do? He's the super, so if I'm on his shit list, I can forget about ever getting his help if I need it. Plus he lives right across the hall from me, so I'm going to bump into him a lot, making for tense and awkward encounters. And I'm pretty sure the smoke situation is only going to get worse now that he knows I don't like it. In fact, I can smell the smoke coming in under my door as I type this. Wouldn't surprise me if he started making more noise than usual outside my door, and he's already a pretty noisy guy.

I'm thinking about waiting a day or two and apologizing for being so confrontational, try to smooth things over. Maybe get him a six-pack as a peace offering. I'm already all stressed out thinking about having to deal with him in the future with the current tension between us. Plus I feel kind of bad about getting him all riled. I know he has a stressful life as it is without me giving him grief. And I actually like the guy. In spite of his glaring and annoying flaws, he's not a (completely) bad guy. I just wish he didn't smoke indoors. (Who the hell takes up smoking at age 45 anyway?)

Ugh. What a mess. Anyone have any advice? Maybe I should just start looking for a new place to live...

Update: Well I had a little chat with my neighbor. I started out by saying I wanted to apologize, and he immediately said that he wanted to apologize also. So we both admitted that we overreacted, and we both expressed remorse over it, shook hands, and put it behind us. The catastrophic possibilities that I had been imagining and dreading have now been averted. I may still have to deal with a little smoke in the hallway from time to time, but it really isn't that big a deal. I already have plans to invest in a door snake. But one noteworthy aspect of this incident was the stress it caused me. I was really worried about how this was going to turn out, and I could feel the anxiety-induced tightness of my muscles and knot in my stomach during those few days. On top of that, I've had some other stressful events in my life lately, and haven't been handling it well. I'm pleased to say that everything seems to be settling down now. I'll post a new entry about all of it in the near future.

Self Portrait

2009-11-28T14:40:00.001-05:00

It's All This Blog Has Going For It

2009-11-02T20:09:00.002-05:00

I went fishing yesterday for the first time in a while. The nearby pond was so choked with weeds over the summer that it was unfishable. However, at this point in time, most of that invasive vegetation seems to have sunk to the bottom--just in time for the autumn feeding frenzy. I caught a whole pile of bass, three or four crappies, and a beautiful but toothy pickerel (which I didn't shoot for fear of losing a finger in the process). Below are the pics that made the cut. Also got a pic of the sunset, which I was hoping would turn out better, but alas, what can you do?

This Blog Sucks

2009-09-12T13:17:00.006-04:00

Man, I have been a really lame blogger lately. I don't really have much to say about it (or about anything else for that matter) at this point in time. So here are some pics I've taken over the past several months.

This is a pic of my living room from last winter.

Last April, I saved this spider from drowning in my shower. Unlike the previous spider, this one survived after she dried out.

I actually write notes to myself like this.

Awww, isn't that cute?

Here are a bunch of miscellaneous fish pics, from spring and early summer. Haven't fished much this year since the pond next door has been overtaken by weeds. And due to all the rain we've had this summer, the river in which I've caught those huge pikes has been too high and the current too strong to make for good fishing.

Employment Verification?

2009-04-15T20:24:00.002-04:00

Here is a transcript of a message that was left on my voicemail today:

Hello, ummmm... I'm trying to reach (company name redacted), um, and I hope to make an employment verification for Michael (last name redacted). If you could please give me a call back at 1-800-xxx-xxxx, my extension is 604. Thank you so much.

When I first got my telephone number many years ago, I soon found out that it was a recycled number, formerly belonging to some sort of software company. I often receive calls from business telemarketers trying to sell services and supplies to this company. God damn those annoying telemarketers! I have tried to find out as much about it as I can about this company, but the telemarketers don't know anything about it except that it shows up in a database of businesses. Now I have a caller who is inquiring about a former employee. Maybe it's time for me to get some payback from one of the people who worked for this company that has caused me so many irritating telemarketer calls:

Yes, hello, my name is Johnny Introvert from (company name redacted) returning your call in regard to Michael (last name redacted). I am the founder and proprietor of this company, and I feel morally obligated to inform you that of all the people I have ever hired, Michael was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Two months after hiring him, I discovered that a large part of his resume was fraudulent. And understandably so--the guy was a walking disaster. Everything he touched broke within a matter of minutes. His incompetence and negligence easily cost the company tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars. It took us a full year to fix everything he broke, and he was only with us for three months. If you are seriously thinking about hiring him, the only advice I can give is: don't!

Anyone have any other suggestions for how to respond?

Japanese Lesson

2008-12-20T14:41:00.005-05:00

We got some snow yesterday and last night. Whenever it snows here, it is complete chaos as the parking lot is being plowed. People have to move their cars to make way for the plow-truck, but there are never enough plowed spaces to move them to. So it's always kind of a headache. Today, I decided I'd just leave and let everyone sort out the hassle without me. So I went and did my usually-Sunday grocery shopping a day early. And I did something else a little unusual for me.

I don't think I've mentioned on this blog that I have been studying the Japanese language since last spring. Since I spend so much of my free time watching anime, I thought it would be fun and cool if I could learn enough Japanese to understand the dialog without reading subtitles. And perhaps one day do my own fansubs. So to that end, I searched YouTube and found a set of videos produced in the 80's called Let's Learn Japanese. Slowly, I have been learning more and more.

Now back to today's story. There is a newly-opened Japanese restaurant in town, and since I wanted to vacate my condo for an hour or so, I figured today would be a good day to try out the food, and my Japanese conversations skills. So I went in with an enthusiastic "Konichiwa! (Good day!)", approached the waiter and said "Ichi (one)." I have no idea if that's the proper way to ask for a table for one, but this was an opportunity to learn, right? I nodded when he asked "one person?", and I said "Tsumetai soto ni desu ne! (It's cold outside!)" as I removed my jacket. When they barely gave any response to that at all, I wondered if I had said it right. Next I said "Nihongo o benkyou shimasu (I study the Japanese language)", to which the man behind the sushi bar gave me a nod. I sat down and studied the menu for several minutes.

I haven't eaten a whole lot of sushi in my life, so I have no idea what to order or how to eat it. So instead, and since it was freezing cold outside, I thought it would be best to order the Pork Noodle Soup. When the waiter brought it out, I said "Oishisou desu! (Looks delicious!)" to which he replied "thank you." The soup was okay, but a little bland. It was certainly nothing like a cup of instant ramen. I really have no idea how Japanese soup is supposed to taste, so I just ate it. It was a big, honking bowl, and it really filled me up. However, the entire time I was eating, the place was very quiet. No other customers came in. And the staff didn't seem like they wanted to talk with me, so I didn't get as much of a chance to practice my Japanese as I had hoped. When I was done, I said "Oishikatta desu! (That was delicious!)" and again the waiter replied "thank you."

As I got up to leave, I went to try to converse with the sushi chef. I said "Dono sushi arimasu ka? (Which sushi do we have here?)" I'm pretty sure that sentence was not properly structured, but I was only trying to start a conversation. He seemed really confused when I said that, so I asked him if he was Japanese, and lo and behold, he was in fact Chinese! He said he hadn't understood anything I said earlier! The other guy behind the sushi bar was clearly not even Asian, so I said "You don't look Japanese either," and he managed to convey in broken English that he was Mexican! So I used a few of my stock phrases in Spanish: "Buenas tardes, como estas? No hablo Espanol muy bien, pero estoy aprendiendo." I learned further that none of them there were Japanese! They were all Chinese with one Mexican guy! What the hell kind of Japanese restaurant was this? Clearly I would be getting no Japanese conversation practice today!

And so I left, shaking my head with a big smile on my face. And drove home to my freshly plowed out parking space.

Part Asian 100% Hapa

2008-12-11T20:23:00.003-05:00

On the Newshour tonight, they had a video essay about multiraciality in America, and it centered on an exhibit called The Hapa Project at the de Saisset museum at Santa Clara University. The exhibit features portaits of hapas (multiracial, part-Asian people) along with each subject's handwritten response to the question "What are you?"

What a magnificent idea! I can tell you first hand that growing up straddling the line between races is very confusing, alienating, and lonely in a way, feeling so unlike everyone else around you. Looking through the samples in the exhibit, it makes me so proud to see the faces of my beautiful brothers and sisters, and read the myriad ways they answer that perplexing question. If I were to answer that question right now, I'd say this:

What I am changes from day to day. Sometimes I am a confused and anxious introvert, wondering where he belongs. Other times, I am the melting pot, the embodiment of diversity, the essence of a unified world. But most of the time, somewhere in between.

I applaud artist/creator Kip Fulbeck for conceiving such a brilliant idea! There's a book too. I'm buying it. I'm curious to see each and every page!

Idiot

2008-11-23T21:45:00.004-05:00

We've been having some unusually cold weather here lately. For the past week, I don't think it has gotten above freezing. After having spent most of the weekend indoors, I decided I'd go for a walk around the pond I usually fish, just to get some air and sun. I thought perhaps it wouldn't be frozen over yet, that the water would have retained enough heat to keep the ice from forming. Hopefully, I could still get a few more fishing days in before the end of the year. Alas, no such luck. The pond was frozen, except for a small circle in the center. A few more days of sub-freezing temperatures and I'm sure that will be frozen also.

During the fall and winter months, the water level of the pond is lowered, revealing part of the pond bed submerged in the summer. Today, I strolled down to the edge of the ice and walked along the frozen bed, the sand and gravel crunching under my foot steps. As I walked, I noticed the terrain changed under my feet, becoming a darker color. A few steps further and it began crunching with a more hollow sound. I thought to myself, "Oh man, I know I'm walking on frozen mud now, but it's gonna support my weight right?" Wrong! My next step felt solid at first, then the next thing I know my foot goes right through, and I feel a cold, wet sensation seeping into my sneaker. I quickly take a lunging step toward the shore to escape my predicament, and my other foot also breaks through the thin crust of frozen mud, leaving me with both feet ankle-deep in ice-cold mud. I stumble a few swampy steps back to terra firma, and look down at my sneakers and pant legs thickly coated in black mud. Damn, if only I weren't such a frigging idiot!

As I walked home, my feet squished with each step. My pants froze into icy rigidity. I was hoping I wouldn't pass anyone--how foolish I would feel to be seen like this! But I laughed at myself the whole way home. Sure, I might have ruined my sneakers, but what a way to ruin them! The truth is, I've always loved getting dirty--I should probably do it more often. Just not when it's so cold out!
(This is an enlargable pic--I want you to see that mud in detail!)

Perch

2008-10-14T19:48:00.005-04:00

(Click to enlarge) I have one of those cameras where you push down the button halfway and it does the auto-focus, then you push it down all the way to take the picture. Well, I accidentally pushed it down all the way before I turned to smile into the camera. And as luck would have it, this was the best focused of the four pics I took of this fish. So that's why I'm posting it. Plus I think it's kinda funny. This might be the first yellow perch I've caught since I started this blog. They are really cool fish because they have a golden color, darker stripes, and bright orange fins on their underside. I don't think my camera captured its color's brightness well, but good enough for this lame blog.

An Autumnal Mosquito (Updated)

2008-10-10T20:32:00.004-04:00

We have had a stretch of cool weather for the past few weeks, around 60, dipping into the 40's at night. It always takes me a little while to get used to it, but now I think I have made the adjustment. No more wearing shorts, sandals and single layers. But one of the things I like about this time of year is that as the temperatures cool, the mosquitoes vanish. It becomes possible again to be outdoors while the sun sets and not be swarmed by thirsty parasites.

Today it was a little warmer, around 70, and I took advantage of the bright, sunny day and went running this evening. Afterwards, as I returned home and started stretching, I noticed a tiny stinging sensation on my calf. Looked down, and sure enough, it was an autumn mosquito drinking my precious life fluid. Usually either my gut instinct or else my inability to tolerate the creeping stinging feeling will compel me to swat the aggressor dead immediately. However, this time it wasn't so bad, probably due to the post-exercise endorphins flowing in my brain, and I watched this little creature drink my blood without the urge to kill it right away. At this moment, I remembered something I had read many years ago. It was some advice that said it is the proboscis of a swatted mosquito still lodged in the skin that causes the itching, and that if you can refrain from killing it until it pulls out, then you will be spared an itchy welt. Seeing as I was tolerating the bite well, I decided I would test this theory. So I waited patiently for the mosquito to finish. And waited. A minute or two passed, but she was still not done. I tried tapping my skin next to her, and brushing her hind legs with my finger to see if I could scare her into pulling out, but she refused. She had her nose in my skin up to the hilt, and as far as she was concerned she wasn't going anywhere. I had no recourse but to step up the level of coercion. I carefully grabbed one of her hind legs and gently started pulling. After a few gentle tugs, she still would not budge. So I delivered constant force, wondering if she would let me tear off her leg before she withdrew. But that did the trick. She finally removed her beak (all 3/16 of an inch of it--that's quite a bit of stuff to get stuck in your skin when you think about it--no wonder it itches so much!). With only the slightest trace of remorse, I squashed her into a paper towel, leaving a circle of blood.

At first a small welt remained on my calf, but about an hour has passed since then, and the welt has gone away. There's a little redness to the skin at the bite-site, but it doesn't itch at all. Perhaps that advice was right? I'll let you know how it turns out after more time passes.

Update: After 24 hours, the mosquito bite started to itch. And now that a few days have passed, it still itches a little and feels almost like an ordinary mosquito bite, but a good deal less intense (for lack of a better word). So that story about the beak causing all the itch is just false. She must have pumped some venom into me, and that's causing the itch.

Great Lines from Anime

2008-08-01T20:06:00.006-04:00

Quit yakking; you're just a dog!

I lost my place in the world a long time ago.

And the reality that I don't have anywhere I belong... is... where I truly belong!

-Paranoia Agent

Direction

2008-07-24T19:35:00.002-04:00

I have really grown dissatisfied with this blog. Especially the last few posts, which I am deleting, because the lameness makes me cringe.

I first started blogging because there were things i wanted to say, about myself, my life, my perspective, that i never felt comfortable talking about. Things i kept hidden from the entire world, but which occupied my mind most of the time. I wanted to express and expose myself, from the relative safety of anonymity, to see if I could, for however brief a moment, overcome my fears of being judged, ridiculed, or humiliated. I wanted to see how people would respond, to see if my fear wasn't just mere illusion. They say the people in your life serve as a mirror, in which you can see yourself and your own soul. Since since my life is so lonely, friendless and asocial, I wondered how I would look in that mirror. And I got a glimpse. I learned something about myself.

Over the past 3 years, I definitely have grown as a person. I wrote about things I found difficult to talk about, and posted them in spite of my apprehension. And I discovered that it was neither as hard nor as embarrassing as I feared. In fact, in a way it was liberating just to express myself, to get it off my chest. And I enjoyed being heard and getting feedback. I even made a few blog-friends along the way, and though some of them I never hear from any more, they still mean a lot to me. Just connecting with people on any level is satisfying, and I think I got a little bit of that through this blog.

But now it's been a long time since I posted about anything meaningful or anything that weighs heavily on me. I know I still have things I want to say, but the motivation to actually find the words and make it happen, seems to be missing. Or else I'm slacking--maybe I'm just lazy. I almost feel like my ability to ruminate and reflect is diminishing, like my mind is becoming weaker and shallower. It's kind of distressing.

I've been wondering if I should keep this blog any longer. Is it done? Has it served its purpose and is now all worn out? Is there anything more for me to gain from it? I know I've taken only a few steps on my own road to self-improvement, and I still have miles to go before I feel comfortable within my own skin, expressing my ideas, being me. I'm just not sure how much more I can get out of a blog. The thing is, I'm not sure I'm gonna get it anywhere else either.

Looking back over my posts, there are many that have strayed from my intended goal. I think all the pics of my smiling face holding a fish are a real distraction from what I really want to say here (and there are plenty of other stupid posts I am tempted to delete too). Those fish pics I could proudly and fearlessly show to anyone. What I want to post here are the things that I wouldn't feel so comfortable sharing.

Before I ever started this blog, back in the planning stages, I put together a list of post ideas. Some of them became actual posts, but many are still waiting. I think I will keep this blog for now, and finish up those posts I had originally planned. Then after that, I'll re-evaluate again.

Moonrise

2008-07-16T21:20:00.001-04:00

5 lbs. of bass

2008-06-19T20:43:00.004-04:00

Click to enlarge. As I struggled to take my usual one-handed self-portrait, a passerby noticed and kindly offered assistance. I don't think my usual pics accurately convey the size of some of my catches. This pic, on the other hand, does. It also affords you a better idea of my excellent posture, and ferocious musculature.

I Know...

2008-06-02T19:52:00.002-04:00

I know my pics are boring and all look the same, but here's another one anyway since I haven't posted in a while. By the way, this fish was so big that I couldn't fit the whole thing in the frame!

Apples and Arugula

2008-04-25T20:45:00.001-04:00

[I orginally wrote this last summer, but never got around to posting it. However, I think it's a good post and I have really sucked at posting lately, so here it is.]

During my trip to Trader Joe's this morning (have I mentioned I'm a big fan of Trader Joe's?), I encountered a dilemma. Should I buy the organic Granny Smith apples for $0.69 each, or the regular ones for $0.49 each. Certainly the whole field of organic agriculture and environmental sustainability / non-contamination is a worthy cause, not to mention the avoidance of chemical residues on the things we eat. But in the other direction was the pull of the lifelong and deeply-instilled habit of being a thrifty consumer, and not spending more than I should.

I stood in the produce section and pondered my options for a few minutes. Ultimately, I formulated the question in a way that removed all ambiguity: save money or save the planet? I'm not living paycheck to paycheck--I can afford it even if it does cost more. And it is important. On the spot, I decided that the question really ought never to come up again. Regardless of the price, I'm buying organic whenever possible. Even for milk, which is 70% more expensive. Consider me a staunch supporter of the organic movement!

Among my other purchases was a bag of Zesty Baby Greens, containing all sorts of good stuff: mustard, arugula, tatsoi, spinach, green oak lettuce, lollo rosso, tango. I'm not even sure what some of those are, but I'm sure they'll make for tasty salads. As I was walking home, the word "arugula" was stuck in my head in an interesting way. I was singing it to a familiar tune which I couldn't quite place. It was a very distinctive set of notes, matching each of the four syllables perfectly. I could clearly remember this as the primary refrain of some song, but couldn't quite pull it back. After a few more time throught it, I remembered. "Jerusalem" by Sinead O'Connor! Funny how "arugula" fits so cleanly in there.

I read the lyrics for this song, but I still can't figure out what the hell it's about! Parts of it make sense in a fragmented way, but how does Jerusalem fit in? Anyone know? Anyway, what a performance style! I like how she barks and howls! Say what you will about her, there is one thing you must admit. She was *years* ahead of everyone else on the whole Catholic priest child molestation issue.

She was on top of it a decade before everyone else caught on. And her career was destroyed because of it. I think she deserves some props.

Recovery

2008-04-11T18:57:00.001-04:00

The stress of last week's ordeal has ended. I got my money back. Here's a recap: CitiMortgage claimed they didn't know why they paid for an insurance policy for the entire condo building out of my pocket, they didn't know why they received only a partial refund from the insurer, and they told me to contact the insurer. The insurer told me that they received my money from CitiMortgage, refunded part of it back to them, and refunded the rest of my money to the condo association.

My next step was to call the insurance agent who brokered the policyo, but I soon discovered that was a dead end. They listened sympathetically, but said there was nothing they could do, since they were only the middle man. My only hope left was to contact the condo association and hope that they wouldn't be hard-asses about it.

Well, it turns out they were wonderful, and it took very little effort to convince them to send me a check for the remaining $562. In fact, all I did was leave them a voicemail message explaining the situation, which made perfect sense to them since they were confused about receiving that refund in the first place. And they sent me a check immediately. I'm happy, and probably lucky, that not everyone involved in this nightmare was a complete idiot and/or a mindless bureaucracy-bot. But still, it is very disconcerting that a problem like this could even happen in the first place. Watch out if you ever have to deal with CitiMortgage.

The Cost of Bureaucratic Mistakes

2008-03-27T21:26:00.001-04:00

I am so fucking angry right now I could strangle someone. And at the same time, I feel so powerless and alienated that I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Money was taken from me, changed hands several times, and is now with someone else. Robbery? Money laundering? Receiving stolen goods? No, not that kind of crime. But rather a bureaucratic snafu involving five different parties. The whole scheme sounds so bizarre and improbable, I'm still in disbelief. But then again, maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

It all started when the corporation that services my mortgage, CitiMortgage, became concerned about the insurance situation at my condo. They become concerned every year, but since my condo association always purchases the proper amount of insurance for all the buildings every year, it is really nothing to worry about. And yet, CitiMortgage worries, and they send me letters requesting that I show them proof of adequate insurance. Well, this year, instead of contacting the insurance agent who handles our insurance, CitiMortgage contacted the National Flood Insurance people directly, and inquired about the policy. I couldn't quite get a clear story out of the rep I spoke to, but from what I could tell, National Flood Insurance responded to that inquiry by sending CitiMortgage a bill for an insurance policy. So CitiMortgage paid the bill, and didn't bother telling me until a month later. Why did they pay for insurance which is being paid for by my condo association? Good question, and I was not able to get an answer from them. Why was National Flood Insurance sending a bill to CitiMortgage when they should be sending it to the condo association through the insurance agent? Again, I have no idea. But they sent the bill for $2906, and CitiMortgage paid it, with my money, without telling me.

Then, for some inexplicable reason, National Flood Insurance sent a refund to CitiMortgage. I have no idea why--did they realize they made a mistake? However, it was only a partial refund, for $2254. Which leaves $652 unaccounted for. Since the CitiMortgage rep indicated they did not know where that money was, and seemed to think it was not their problem, I called National Flood Insurance. And they explained that the $652 went toward the premium for the condo's insurance policy! The one that covers all the buildings, all the units; the one that is always paid for by the condo association--I was paying part of the premium directly! And, they said that subsequent to receiving my money, they received the full payment from the condo association, and gave them a refund of $652, since that was the amount they overpaid (since I had picked up that portion earlier)! So now the condo association, who was probably confused about the refund but quietly pocketed it anyway, has my money! As far as National Flood insurance is concerned, they received an overpayment, and they sent out a refund. End of story--their hands are clean. Yeah, right.

Now, how the hell am I supposed to get it back? How can I convince the condo association that all these strange mistakes happened and so now they owe me $652? Since both CitiMortgage and National Flood Insurance seem to think this is not their problem, my only hope is that our insurance agent can look into this, feels morally obligated to set things right and takes action. Because of this mistake, I must now rely on someone's goodwill to fix it. To be honest, I am not at all sure I'm ever going to get that money back.

It baffles me how this bureaucratic nightmare happened. Mistakes are made, money changes hands, and then those hands are washed of all responsibility. Someone gets money they shouldn't get, and some sucker loses it. And everyone denies it's their problem. The injustice is enough to outrage me. But what if it had been more? What if it was the full $2906 that disappeared? What if they decided to shell out $10000 of my money? Or more? And suppose National Flood Insurance decide to send the refund to someone else? I can imagine another 'mistake' like that happening. They can take payments from anyone, why not send refunds to anyone as well? It's a disaster waiting to happen. Probably happened to someone else already.

So this all sucks in a serious way. And my only recourse is to pray that someone has a sense of decency and helps me out? This sucks.

First

2008-03-11T20:06:00.002-04:00

It was a cold day today, but sunny. And now that daylight savings time comes earlier in the year, I actually had some hours of daylight left after work. The rain over the weekend melted a good amount of the ice covering the pond next door. About half of it is now de-iced.

Which means it is fishable! Today, I wasn't really expecting much except to get some fresh air and some sun on my face. I was just gonna throw a few casts, just to relieve the tension of not having done so for three months. So it came as a great surprise to actually get a hit. And then to pull in a 3.5 lb. largemouth! I hope this first catch of the year is a sign of how things will be in the coming months!

Dawn Breaks

2008-01-17T19:24:00.001-05:00

Rush released the album Presto back when I was in high school, and on it is a song called "Anagam (for Mongo)". For years, I had no idea what that parenthetical phrase meant. Then one day, just recently, it dawned on me--this is a reference to the brilliant Mel Brooks movie Blazing Saddles: "Candygram for Mongo!" One of my favorite movies and one of my favorite bands, but I never put two and two together. Only took me 18 years.

Life Returning

2007-12-29T15:59:00.000-05:00

This has been a miserable week for me as I hobbled through each day with my back aching. But each day it got a little better, and now it feels like it is at a point where the pain is mostly gone. As the pain has faded, I have felt my life returning, and along with it a motivation to live, to get out and enjoy the freedom that comes with being healthy. My eyes feel good, my energy level is practically back to normal, my back is on the mend--for the first time in more than two months, I can say that I feel okay. For now...

So on to other things. Here is a clipping from the local newspaper. The building mentioned is the one right next door to mine. Nice neighborhood, eh?

And I got a new kind of soap I am eager to try out. Maybe it would be better to use an all-natural product instead of rubbing chemicals all over myself each morning in the shower. I'll give it a try.

(By the way, I resized these images using gimp on my linux machine. It seems like a pretty cool utility--I will have to explore the other features. The price is certainly right. Hurray for open source!)

Better and Worse

2007-12-24T11:42:00.000-05:00

After two weeks of drinking only 32 ounces of fluids per day, another blood test revealed that my sodium was 142, back well into the range of normal. Hurray! And so, I am now allowed to drink 48 ounces per day. That still isn't a whole lot. But it has been a great relief, and it seems to have improved my energy level, although I am still not quite where I was before. A subsequent blood test showed that even on 48 ounces, my body is maintaining the sodium level of 142. They say I should stick with that, but I can drink 8 ounces more if I feel like I need to. Or if I exercise, then I should drink more also. And my eyes have felt pretty good too overall. They still get tired after a day at work, but that is probably due to my job more than my physiology.

But wouldn't you know it, 2007 wouldn't end without administering to me one last kick in the nads. We've had a good amount of snow here lately, and I've been pretty good about taking it easy while shoveling and not straining my back. Well, I think it was still too much for feeble back muscles. My low back was feeling a little tired, but overall not too bad, until yesterday morning in the shower. I was standing on one foot while washing the other, when crunch!-- a hot blade of pain shot through my back. Since then, my low back has been in a world of pain. I hate it when it is a difficult struggle even to put on my shoes. Advil and bed-rest seem to put me in a state where I can be comfortable at least. But I'm looking forward to a time when I have no serious maladies, when there is no immediately noticable pain, when everything functions more or less right and I have enough energy to feel like I'm actually alive. It's gotta happen sometime, and when it does, I'll savor every moment, the way I savor every drop of water from my last 8 ounces of the day!

The Final Day

2007-11-30T20:58:00.000-05:00

The last day of November is here. Hopefully, my recovery will begin to accelerate starting tomorrow. I decided to make a good faith effort to adhere to the 32 ounce fluid intake prescribed by my doctor. At first, I thought this would be impossible, but after doing it for three days and surviving, it appears I can do it. In fact, I have surprised myself by getting through meals without drinking anything except a few mouthfuls at the end. Coincidentally, my eyes have been feeling better since I started, to the point where I can use my old glasses now without any feeling of eye-strain. I'm starting to wonder if the low sodium was my whole problem from the beginning, the original cause of my eye-strain. But today my body has been feeling very tired. I had to stand around at a co-worker departure get-together today, and after a mere 25 minutes, I was ready to collapse into my chair. I'm not sure what to make of that, but it's a little worrisome.

The results of my MRI showed that there is nothing wrong with my pituitary which would cause an electrolyte imbalance. So that's good news. And the rest of my brain looks healthy too, except for a benign cyst in the back of my brain. He said it's nothing to worry about, except maybe to monitor it over the long term to make sure it doesn't get bigger. So I'm not worried about it--got more immediate problems. And there's not much I can do about it anyway.

Hopefully, the weekend and the end of November will do me some good. I would really like to get back to my normal self again.

November Nightmare

2007-11-27T17:24:00.001-05:00

For the past few weeks, I have been in hell. I don't know what it is about Novembers, but each year something goes horribly bad for me in the eleventh month. Last year I smashed up my car on the first day of November, then later in the month, I had my earwax issue which caused me a great deal of anxiety. The year before that, my family was thrown into a panic when my dad was suffering from dizzy spells, and my mom ended up spending some time in a nursing home. This year, another nightmare has befallen me.

At the beginning of the month, I was suffering from unbearable eyestrain. The first round of new glasses was a disaster, since Pearlvision didn't properly match the base curve of my old ones. For two weeks, I had unbearable eyestrain and glasses which made my eyes feel even worse. As you all know, I get all freaked out when something is wrong with me, especially something that I cannot ignore, so of course, the eyestrain has thrown me into a panic. I'm on another pair of new glasses now, and they also make my eyes feel tired, though not quite as bad. Still, there is a weird feeling in my eyes that feels neither right nor good, and it makes me very uneasy. I can still go to work, but with serious limitations on my productivity, and I go home every night with my body feeling completely exhausted, and my eyes in need of rest. At least some of the anxiety has gone--two weeks ago, I wasn't even able to get any sleep. I'm hoping it's just a matter of adjusting to the new glasses. So far it's been a slow and painful process.

On top of that, my doctor told me that my sodium is low, approaching a dangerous level in fact. He thinks it might be because I drink too much water, but that he's never seen this problem before except in people who drink so much water that their ankles swell (mine don't). At first he told me to drink isotonic beverages like Gatorade instead of water, and I quickly got sick of Gatorade (although Lime flavored Gatorade Rain is actually pretty good). Now he tells me to cut my total fluid intake down to 32 ounces per day. Of course, there's no way I can do that--it is way too little. I'm down to ~64 ounces at present, and I estimate that is about half what I was drinking just a few weeks ago. Does that seem like a lot? 128 ounces is about 3.78 liters. I don't know, maybe that is too much. Anyway, he had me go in for an MRI the other day to make sure there isn't a problem with my brain that is causing the low sodium. My god, that was freaky! I didn't mind being stuck in a tube, but the MRI machine is god-damn LOUD! It made all kinds of loud buzzing noises, which went right through the earplugs they gave me. I had to sit through that for 45 minutes! I would not describe it as a pleasant experience. Haven't heard back from the doctor about it yet, so I'm guessing there was no bad news.

Ugh. So right now, I'm tired, nervous, and worried. I'm feeling tense about my eyes. My fluid intake is all different from before, and my body doesn't feel quite right. My sodium might be all screwed up. Actually, I'm surprised I'm doing as well as I am, considering what's going on. I can't wait for November to end this week. Friday can't come soon enough.

Shoulda Known Better

2007-09-13T16:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went out for some September fishing with high expectations. At this time of year, they reduce the water level in the reservoir near my house, exposing a good amount of fishable perimeter that is submerged during the summer. However, the lower water also means the weeds, which are always thick at this time of year, are compressed into less water, making them even thicker. If I had given this any thought yesterday before I grabbed my rod and set out, I would have changed to heavier line, since it can be difficult bringing in a big fish under a big pile of weeds. Alas, my mind was only on throwing some casts, and not the seasonal considerations.

It was a beautiful, evening in the 70's, but there was a slight breeze, making the water a little choppy. Not ideal for the top-water lures I was planning to throw. But I threw them anyway, and managed to get a few bites in spite of the waves, including a nice largemouth around 1 lb or so, which I caught using my favorite buzz-bait. Bringing him in the last 10 feet was the hardest part, since that's where the thickest weeds are. I stretched my 6 lb line to the limit, and managed not to break it. After removing a massive clump of cabbage, I found the fish.

After that, I caught my first crappie since the spring.

As the sun was setting, the wind died down, and the water was like a sheet of glass, broken all around by the expanding circles of fish hitting the surface. Perfect! I kept throwing that buzz-bait. On one cast, a fish exploded on it right after it hit the surface. He jumped a few times then came to surface so that I could pull him in over the weeds without any trouble.

The last fish of the evening gave me some trouble. Like the previous one, he hit with a splash (that's why buzz-baits are so much fun!), but then he dove deep. As I retrieved I tried pulling him upward, but he just wanted to go down as deep as he could. So when he got to the weeds, he was gonna make me pull him up through the full depth of them. I tried, but he was soon mired. I was at the limit of the line's strength, but I just couldn't move him. I had a feeling this wasn't going to end well. I always hate leaving lures stuck in a fish's mouth, especially a big one like a buzz-bait. Plus this one was my favorite buzz-bait, one that had brought me great success over the years. We were locked in stalemate for several minutes--he wouldn't budge, and I wouldn't pull any harder. For a minute I considered wading out in my sandals and grabbing him, but the risks and the downside dissuaded me. I thought to myself, hell, this was gonna end one way or another. I pulled with more force, knowing full well what would happen. And as soon as the line snapped, the fish vanished beneath the weeds with a contemptuous wag of his tail. I'll be visiting the tackle shop this weekend.

Topless?

2007-09-03T10:42:00.000-04:00

This is what it said on my Burger King cup. I thought it was kinda cute, especially the suggestion to go topless. I wonder how much spilt Dr. Pepper will result from people having it their way?

Also check me out in my cool cheapass clip-ons!

Pics

2007-08-26T21:02:00.000-04:00

I've really been neglecting this blog lately. Here are some pics from today. I really need more practice holding the camera level. There was a third one too, but the camera focused on a tree branch in the background, so I and the fish were out of focus. I need more practice getting in the center of the frame.

A Rare Sighting

2007-08-16T20:37:00.000-04:00

It always seems strange to me when people say they have seen rainbows many times, because I think I have seen them on only about five different occasions in my life. I don't know, I guess the area where I live just isn't conducive to rainbow formation. So when I actually saw one of these elusive phenomena the other day, it was especially glorious and magnificent. I even managed to capture it on focal plane:

I also had a turtle sighting, a far more common event in my life. But here's the tricky part: how many turtles are there in this photo?

Johnny Appleseed

2007-07-28T13:49:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to announce there is a new baby in the family! The other day I was eating a Granny Smith apple, when I bit too close to the core, open the compartment containing the seed. Only this seed was no ordinary seed--it had already germinated! I've never seen an appleseed with a sprout coming out while it was still inside the apple (but then again, I don't see a whole lot of appleseeds). With the hard work of getting the seed to germinate already done, I figured the rest would be easy as pie. So I stuck the sprout into a damp piece of gauze, and will let it sit on my window sill with the others.

As for my other plants, my strategy (which conists of 90% negligence) is not doing very well, although it's not failing as horribly as I expected. Both the avocado and the mango survived through the winter, but do not seem to be faring well throught the summer. I'm afraid the mango (right) is near death, evidenced by the browning leaves. Immediately before I took this pic, I changed the mango's water--a step long overdue. The jar had become clouded with murky brown slime. I don't know if it was the slime choking the roots causing the leaves to die, but I figured if there was any chance of saving this poor plant, that was it. The avocado (center) is looking healthier, although a little droopy. It had the murky water problem as well. The new arrival on the left was given to me as a gift when my mom passed away. I have no idea what kind of plant it is, but the delivery guy said it was supposed to be lucky.

Here is a closeup of my poor, dying mango plant.

We'll see if it comes back to life with the jar cleaned out. And we'll see if the new apple tree has what it takes to survive my care.

Driving Part 2

2007-07-16T16:13:00.000-04:00

I had originally intended to use driving as a metaphor for our society and the way we think about various social programs like affirmative action and universal health insurance. However, the analogy was strained, and it soon became clear I couldn't force it. I'll bet I could have made it work if I really gave it more thought, but my laziness got the better of me. So instead, I'm using this post as an example of my susceptibility to intellectual laziness, and my inability to follow through after I start something. For those tempted to think that I'm being too hard on myself (and I know I have some very compassionate readers), I'm really not. Actually, I find my surrender quite humorous!

Driving Part 1

2007-07-12T09:53:00.000-04:00

My drive in to work this morning was very ordinary, with a few drivers doing stupid things. For example, Boston is notorious for a tactic of making left turns in which the driver will begin his turn as soon as he gets a break in the traffic to his left, regardless of the traffic to his right. So when he gets halfway through his turn, he either waits for the traffic to his right to stop, thus holding up traffic coming from his left, or else he recklessly ignores the traffic to his right, forcing them to stop for their own good. I saw one of those drivers to today, of the variety that doesn't wait. I was irked, but I slowed down for him to make his turn safely. I figured I had enough patience for the both of us.

My morning commute had a few other incidents where people flouted the rules to get where they were going, each one ripe with the potential for disaster. But each time, the calamity was averted by a little strained patience on my part, and a little inconvenience for the cars held up behind me.

So this got me thinking: why I should feel annoyed? Some people are impatient, or stupid, or make poor judgements, and sure, it does cause an inconvenience, but it really isn't that big a deal. Everyone still gets where they are going, safely. And I must admit, at times I have been impatient, stupid and reckless, and I am grateful to those who had some patience with me. When driving, it is best to be forgiving, to accept a bit of delay, and to be big enough to allow people to drive their way, even if it is questionable. After all, what good will getting pissed off do? Even if you shout and offer the one-finger salute, will that actually "teach that guy a lesson"? I doubt it. Nah, it's better just to let it go, and be at peace knowing that you helped them to be safe. Does anyone really deserve not to be safe? Is grave bodily harm an appropriate punishment for one moment of foolishness?

Wasteful

2007-07-08T18:54:00.000-04:00

I thought it would be a good idea to take a few days off from work last week. I needed a break from it, more than just a weekend, to clear my head a little and just spend some time without my job on my mind. So I had Wednesday off for the fourth, and I took off Thursday and Friday too. I don't think I've ever had a less productive and less satisfying vacation ever.

What did I do with my time off? Did I go somewhere new? Did I do something fun? Did I meet anyone interesting? No, no and no. I spent most of that time with my computer doing some serious geeking. I experimented with different distributions of Linux, learning about drive partitioning and boot-loaders, trying out different browsers and applications.* Sure, I am interested in that stuff, and want to learn about it. But it just wasn't very satisfying. I'm quite disappointed in myself that that is how I spent the bulk of my time off.

Part of the problem (possibly the entire problem) is that I haven't been feeling well lately. Both Monday and Tuesday of last week, I woke up with a splitting headache that lasted the entire day. Wednesday, I had no headache, but I felt very tired. And Thursday and Friday, I had an ache in my low back. I'll tell you, low-back pain is one of the worst maladies one can suffer. Saturday, the pain began to subside, but even today, Sunday, it's still there a little. And today, I've had another headache all afternoon. So I really didn't feel like doing much with my mini-vacation, but for some reason, that makes it seem even more tragic.

On top of that, I've been dwelling on my usual existential anxieties about my directionlessness in life. I think I might have some kind of bug that is causing my distress, as well as my physiological symptoms. I don't know, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. When I go back to work. Sigh.

* I'm really digging the Opera browser. It goes faster and is more configurable than Firefox, but displays everything exactly the same, although it doesn't play embedded YouTubes. I'm also thoroughly impressed with the super-lightweight Linux distribution called Puppy Linux--in terms of speed, the thing smokes. And it can be run right off the CD without installing anything on your harddrive.

It's Been a While

2007-06-20T21:40:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I posted any fish pics. So here's one from today.

... And a Cantaloupe

2007-06-17T13:15:00.000-04:00

From the arrest log in my local newspaper:

Just how the hell was this guy able to conceal that much stuff on his person? And in which pocket did he hide that cantaloupe?

Back Then

2007-06-07T21:30:00.000-04:00

I dug up and scanned my high school yearbook photo. I honestly don't remember looking so young my senior year. I was one miserable and unhappy kid back then, and I'm pretty sure I was trying to make sure that was reflected in my photo. Hmmmm, I thought I had more to say about it, but I guess not.

The Stupidest Thing

2007-05-20T19:51:00.000-04:00

I just did the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Well, that's not really true, but this one ranks really high up there. I bought a packet of potato soup mix, and I thought I'd give it try for dinner tonight. But I was afraid potato soup by itself would be too bland and boring, so I decided I'd spice it up a little by adding some hot chili peppers to it. At the grocery store this morning, I asked the produce stocker which were the hottest peppers they had. He pointed to some little, tiny peppers, which he said has many names, but which was commonly called the Scotch Bonnet. He said in ominous tones that they were the hottest peppers by far. I told him I was going to put them into a soup so they would be well diluted from their full strength, but I'd give them a try straight before doing so. He cautioned me, "Well, make sure you have a glass of water, or a beer nearby." I thanked him for the warning, but I was sure I would try a small enough piece to avoid too much pain. I bought three--at $1.50 per pound, 3 cost me 10 cents.

So I boiled some water for the soup, and got myself a glass of water. I cut one of the chilis in half, and cut off a tiny sliver from the outer layer. I touched it to the tip of my tongue. Then waited. Nothing. I chewed up that tiny sliver with my front teeth only, and after a moment felt some heat. Not too much, but a good amount from such a small sliver. I cut another sliver, a little bigger, chewed it up in a similar fashion. Felt the spiciness again, but really nothing overpowering. I was a little disappointed. These chilis weren't as hot as I expected.

So I wondered what the inner part was like, the core, to which all the seeds were attached. I removed the the seeds, and cut a sliver from it. Again, proceeding with caution, I chewed it with my front teeth only. After a moment's pause, I felt heat building quickly, so spit it out at once, and grabbed the glass of water to rinse out my mouth. But rinsing didn't help. The heat was spreading, and man, it was fucking intense! This must have been what the produce guy warned me about. I threw on the faucet to rinse out my mouth with cold water straight from the tap, and the coolness helped, but as soon as I stopped the heat was still there, more intense than I'd ever felt, and it wasn't going away. My tongue was on fire, and after a few minutes, my lips were as well. Shit, this was bad. I got out an ice cube, and sucked on it through a paper towel--luckily, this was giving me some relief. But then I could feel the heat going into my left nostril. Oh god, was this just gonna keep spreading? What the hell have I done?

I went to the sink and tried to wash out my mouth and nose with soap and warm water. Immediately after, it felt even worse! Shit! Back to the ice cube! Damn, was I gonna have to go to the hospital or something? This was really bad. It was like I took a pepper spray to my face (actually, I'll bet a pepper spray is a hundred times worse--it must be really unbearable). So I powered up my computer, and did a quick search on treatments for pepper spray. The first page I found said to wash with cold water, and that warm water would open the pores, making things worse. I had already found that out through experiment. The webpage recommended Liquid Antacid Water, like a Maalox solution. Well, I don't have any Maalox!

Next I searched on "hot peppers too hot" and found that Wikipedia had an entry about what to do. So I went there, and it said acids, like lemon juice, dissolve the active chemical, and milk has a protein to neutralize it. The ice cube was keeping my lips under control, but my burning nostril was pushing me to the edge of freaking out. I grabbed a bottle of lemon juice, and proceeded to scrub my face with it. It helped a little, but after I rinsed it off, the burning was still there. Next up: milk. I poured a glass, and scrubbed my face with it. The relief from this was very noticeable. But what about my nose? How do I get milk into my nose? I was in no state of mind to laugh while trying to drink it. Being the clever and resourceful guy I am, I found a way to drink milk through my nose, and oh my god, it really made everything feel much better. And drinking it provided much needed relief to my lips. And the best part was that this relief persisted. 45 minutes after the nightmare began, the milk had brought it under control. I never thought I'd have such strong feelings of gratitude toward the dairy industry.

Having survived this ordeal, I decided I'd prefer to have plain, old, boring, bland potato soup for dinner after all. No hot peppers for me, thank you very much. In fact, I think I'm going to avoid them all together for the foreseeable future.

Unexpected Day Off

2007-05-09T13:59:00.000-04:00

My car is in the shop today. So I made plans with one of my coworkers who lives nearby to hitch a ride with him. And then he forgot all about it! When he got to work, he called me up and said he'd turn around and come pick me up, but I said don't worry about it. You see, it's a beautiful day today, and I was secretly hoping he'd forget so that I wouldn't have to go to work. I didn't think he'd actually forget though! Anyway, you can guess what I did this morning.

Pics

2007-05-08T19:28:00.000-04:00

This weekend I decided to exercise my camera a little bit. Here is a typical street in my town. It's actually a nice place in the springtime on a bright, sunny day.

These vibrant bursts of yellow and green are the blossoms of a Forsythia, and the leaflings of a maple tree.

Here is a yellow warbler at ~20 feet. I'll bet it would've looked better if I had my camera set at 6M instead of 3M. I generally use 3M so that I don't fill up my hard drive too fast, but if I could get into the habit of throwing out the pics I don't like it wouldn't be a problem. Anyway, I'm surprised this pic came out as good as it did. I'm also surprised he didn't fly away before I took took the shot!

Here's a pic of some beautiful cumulus clouds against a perfect sky, but some chump got in the way and ruined the shot!

Racism Sells

2007-05-06T22:34:00.000-04:00

Anyone seen those dumbass racist Hot Pocket commercials? I just saw one for the first time tonight, and I was absolutely appalled. I honestly couldn't believe that some company decided to air commercials like this. For those who haven't seen them, they feature a stereotypical Chinese/Confucian-sage/kung-fu master speaking in broken English who magically appears at wildly inappropriate times, and says ridiculous things to the effect that 'you want Hot Pockets,' while people look at him in stunned silence. Here's one on YouTube. Gee, what a great way to sell a product: don't provide any information about it, don't make any attempt to prove it's tasty and worth buying, just put on some Asian guy, and have him act goofy and make a fool of himself (because everyone knows Asians are just so goofy and funny, right?). Yeah, what brilliance. I'd like to see them try this sort of thing with a sterotypical black or Jewish person, and see how long that advertising campaign would last. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that Asians are an easy enough target and our society is racist enough to allow these commercials to continue for a long time. Un-fucking-believable.

Sunday was my Birthday

2007-05-03T16:48:00.000-04:00

Your Birthdate: April 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet.
Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings.
You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments.
You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action.

Your strength: Your vivid imagination

Your weakness: Fear of failure

Your power color: Coral

Your power symbol: Oval

Your power month: November

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Where I Live

2007-04-26T20:42:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been reflecting on what a convenient location it is where I live. Within walking distance I have Trader Joe's, Walgreens, a bus stop, the bike path, a good pizza shop, a half-decent Chinese restaurant, Brighams (ice cream parlor), Panera Bread, and of course a mighty fine fishing pond. Plus it's not far from two major highways. It's really a great place to live. Now if only it didn't flood every once in a while...

Anyway, I got in a couple hours of fishing after work today. Took me a while to figure out they weren't biting anything but rubber worms, but after I caught on I caught four largemouths. Each was pretty small, ~1 lb or less. The pics I took didn't come out too good, but I like this one. I cut off the fish's tail (in the pic, not in real life) but I like the silouetted trees, the not-quite-setting sun, the wispy clouds, the reflections in the water. In fact, I like it so much I made it enlargable if you want to click on it.

Pic Dump

2007-04-19T20:29:00.000-04:00

Here are some pics I've taken over the past week or two. I caught this bass on a particularly cold day, for which I was adequately dressed. Don't usually use crankbaits much, since I'm usually fishing thickly weeded areas, but they work well before the weeds grow in.

It's tough shooting myself with the camera in my left hand, but it can be dangerous to switch a toothy pickerel from one hand to the other. They'll cut you up good if you give them the chance.

Last weekend, I spent Saturday worrying about the impending flood that all the meteorologists were predicting from Sunday's storm.

So I rolled up my rugs, and got everything up off the floor. I always go through this process when they predict more than a few inches of rain in a short period of time, usually two or three times a year. Occasionally, I actually do get flooded, as I did last year, but usually the banks can handle the swollen brook and everything is fine. This time did not result in a flood, but I still went through the exercise. Here's what my bed looks like when I'm preparing for high water.

While my floor was clear, I decided to take advantage of the situation and do some spring cleaning. I gave my floor a good scrubbing on Monday, finishing with lemony fresh knees and feet, and aching arms and shoulders. I also took a pic of my living room wall hanging which I tried to capture by hand several months ago. Does this look familiar?

This pic really doesn't do it justice, and it looks kind of distorted when it takes up the entire field of view. I'll take some close ups so you can see the intricately beautiful details.

I Got a New Camera

2007-04-07T17:01:00.000-04:00

Yup, I got a new camera. It's a 6 megapixel Sony Cybershot. They were on sale at Sears, so it was a pretty good deal. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten so many megapixels. Anyway, guess what I did today?

It was probably a bad idea to go fishing today, because it was god damn cold! It was about 35 degrees with a stiff breeze. Brrrrrrrrrr! But I couldn't help myself. I went and emptied my wallet at the tackle shop, and then I couldn't wait to try out my new stuff. Funny thing is, everything I caught was on the old, tried and true stuff. All together I caught four largemouths, and one calico. The above one was the biggest, maybe around 1 lb. Below is the smallest, I'm guessing around 2 ounces. I have to get used to my new camera, and learn to hold it level while shooting myself. It was easier with the old Nikon.

Also saw a swan.

Thanks

2007-04-04T09:48:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to thank all of you who left condolences in the comments. This has been the most difficult thing I've ever gone through, but it was comforting and heart-warming to hear from all of you. It meant a lot to me, and I appreciate it. Thank you all so much!

My flu lasted that entire week, and it just kicked my ass. No doubt my immune system was compromised by the emotional nightmare that was unfolding. I think I had every flu symptom imaginable, and the recovery was so slow, just a tiny bit of improvement each day. When the next week arrived (that would be last week), I was still tired and sniffly, but I managed to return to work. It was good to be back, just to have something to keep me busy, to distract my mind from all the other thoughts that were consuming me. And it was nice to see my colleagues--they have all been very supportive, sympathetic and understanding. Between relatives, friends (including blog-friends) and coworkers, it's amazing how much more you appreciate the people in your life when you see how they respond to you after you've gone through such a difficult tragedy. The whole situation has really raised a lot of questions about the direction of my life and my introverted lifestyle. Much more than my usual existential confusion.

Well, I have plenty more to say about that. And more to say about my mom too. But it may take me some time find the words. I'm still a mess, but I kinda miss posting, so maybe I'll see if I can get myself back to it.

The Inevitable End

2007-03-18T19:10:00.000-04:00

Well, my mom didn't make it. I've been so distraught this past week that the details are starting to become fuzzy, but I'll try to piece together what I can recollect. Last Monday my dad called and said the doctors told him my mom had congestive heart failure. I had a feeling this wasn't going to go well. The doctors held a meeting among themselves to discuss my mom's case, and determined that the treatment they were giving her was not working, and it was only causing and prolonging her pain. They decided, and we agreed, that the the best course of action would be to discontinure treatment and do what they could to ease her suffering during her final days.

The started her on a morphine drip. And it did make her look more at ease. Her breathing was not as strained as before. She was still mostly unconscious most of the time. I don't think she was suffering.

Wednesday was a beautiful, sunny day, with temperatures in the 70's. When I arrived at the hospital that morning to visit her, I walked into her room, and saw her lying there peacefully. She was not breathing. I held her hand, and ity was still warm, so I figured she had passed only a short time before. Soon the nurse came in and told me she must have just died, because she was still breathing just a few minutes ago. A few minutes later, my dad arrived, and we sat together with my mom. It was a difficult time, but I'm glad we all spent that time togther, just one last time.

There's a lot more I want to say, but right now I'm an emotional wreck. And on top of that, I have caught the flu I've had in many years, so I'm really a mess. I write more when I can.

A Terrifying Day

2007-03-11T14:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Saturday, I went to the hospital to visit my mother, expecting to see her health improving. As I walked into her room, I saw her with an oxygen mask over her face, looking like she was struggling to breathe. My dad was already there, and he gave me the news. Turns out overnight, she had become considerably worse. Her temperature was very high, her blood pressure very low, and they thought she had some aspiration which was messing up her lungs. They were pumping her full of antibiotics in the hope that she had an infection which could be treated.

I was absolutely terrified to see her in such a dire state. She was mostly unconscious, but sort of in and out at times. We stayed with her for a while, hoping our presence would help her in any way it could. But I had never been as pessimistic about my mother's condition as I was yesterday. I was surprised that I was able to hold it together for the rest of the day as well as I did.

My dad said he'd call me if they called him about any change, and when the phone rang this morning, my heart sank in anticipation. But my dad had good news. This time, she had improved overnight. Her temperature and blood pressure were nearly back to normal, and the nurse said she was conscious. This morning, we both visited her again, and she was looking better. She still had the oxygen mask, but no IV's hooked up. And she was conscious, and able to speak very weakly. But she was suffering from the same kind of delusions we've seen on previous occasions. I don't know if it's caused by the antibiotics or by the illness itself, but she was not her usual self. She kept trying to take the oxygen mask off, she spoke about someone trying to sue her for something, and said something about the police being right behind her. I think she heard the hospital intercom, and in her delirium, mistook it for some kind of police announcement. I tried my best to comfort her, trying to explain she was in the hospital, and the mask was helping her breathe, and they were giving her medicines to fix her up. I'm not sure I got through to her.

I don't know what will happen next. I guess we just gotta take it one day at a time, and hope she pulls through.

Another Round

2007-03-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

So far, this has been a really bad year for my mom. She is back in the hospital. She was home for a few weeks, and she seemed to be doing pretty well, except for being a little more tired than usual. But then over the weekend, she took a turn for the worse, and spent two days sleeping. On Monday, my dad called an ambulance, and so began another hospital stay.

The doctors are mystified about her condition. Apparently her red blood cell count was very low, but her white blood cell and platelet count were normal. They don't know how this could happen, but they gave her a transfusion, and that brought the blood all back to normal. They want to do a bone marrow biopsy to determine if she has something wrong with her blood cell production. Also, there was some problem with her electrolytes which she is being treated for, and she had a urinary tract infection. I don't know all the details, or what this all means, but it sounds to me like they are doing what needs to be done to help her recover.

And the improvement is showing. She was pretty much unconscious for both Monday and Tuesday, which was very distressing. I didn't see her then, but I got reports from my dad and my brother. My dad and I visited her tonight, and she was awake and alert. Not to her normal level of alertness, but she was able to pay attention, and speak coherently, but softly. She was asking where she was, and how long she had been there. I tried to reassure her that she was getting better, and that they were taking good care of her, and that it would take some time but she will recover. I don't think I'm very good at that kind of thing, but I hope my being there was some kind of comfort to her at the very least. My dad was very happy just to see her awake, so it was reassuring to me to see him so optimistic. He's usually optimistic in general, even in the worst of situations (I honestly don't know how he does it), but tonight he was especially so.

But still, it is difficult to see her with tubes going into her nose and arms. And she's so weak, she can hardly move. She said she felt uncomfortable, like she hadn't moved in a long time, which of course was true. But she didn't complain of any pain. I keep thinking she must be scared and anxious. I know I would be if I woke up in an unfamiliar place, hooked up to all sorts of instruments, suffering from some mysterious ailment. It's the hardest thing in the world to witness someone's suffering while being powerless to help.

I told her, "I love you, mom," right before I left. I don't think I've told her that enough times during my life. I've was never the kind of kid who would say it, and what's more I always tried to distance myself from my mom, just for my own emotional safety, I think. But I could never really distance myself from her, because I care about her way too much. I hope she will be okay.

Vitamin C

2007-03-02T15:51:00.000-05:00

The other day, I was speaking to my boss. He told me he thinks he's coming down with a cold. He went on to mention that this is the first cold he's had all season, and he attributes his resistance to a daily regimen of vitamin C. I told him my father is an advocate for the health benefits of vitamin C, and that it's the first thing he always recommended for cold treatment. I asked my boss "how much are you taking, 1000 mg?" I thought a full gram would be a decent amount for combating a cold. He told me he takes two 1000mg tablets, twice a day! "OMG, you take 4 grams per day????" He told me yes, he in fact takes 4 grams per day, and has read that the body can safely handle up to 8 grams per day. Furthermore, he recited a list of other benefits attributable to vitamin C, including one claim that it can prevent hardening of the arteries and actually remove excess plaque from the bloodstream. I tend to be a skeptical guy, but I have tremendous respect for the opinions of my boss, who has demonstrated good judgement many times over in many different areas. Plus, my father, another for whom I have great respect, is also the vitamin C advocate. I decided to do some research of my own.

I'm not going to do a detailed analysis of the claims that are on the web. There are supporters and detractors. But if the supporters are correct, then vitamin C really does sound like a miracle supplement. One of the more interesting findings is that many vertebrate animals produce their own vitamin C within the body, in large quantities, the equivalent of a human taking 10-20 grams per day! There is a theory that at some earlier point in our evolutionary life, our bodies produced our own vitamin C also, but then a mutated gene put a stop to it. If that is the case, then we are missing out on an intrinsic health benefit we once had.

Another interesting finding is that vitamin C can reduce stress and limit the production of cortisol, one of the stress hormones. Based on my own experiences with anxiety, I can see how shutting off the body's stress response would be a wonderful, even miraculous thing. The next time you feel yourself getting stressed out, reach for the vitamin C.

So I don't know how advantageous it is, but the effect of vitamin C is something that I can test for my own anecdotal self. I am going to try out my boss's dosage level of 4 grams per day. It can't hurt--vitamin C is very well tolerated, and I'm not going anywhere near dangerous levels. Who knows, maybe this will do me some good? I'm leaning on the hopeful side right now, so even if I can get some placebo effect out of it, I'll take it!

Some Quality Time with my Dad

2007-02-20T21:00:00.000-05:00

I got to spend some quality time with my dad today. Actually, all the time I spend with my dad is quality time. He's a great guy, and I've always looked up to him, and quite frankly I doubt I'll ever be as great a man as he. Today I drove him to the hospital for his colonoscopy. My grandfather died of colon cancer, so this kind of test is important.

I was nervous, of course, for a few reasons. First and foremost, I love my dad, and I want him to be healthy. But also my mom depends on him, since he is her primary care-giver, and no one could ever take care of her with the kindness and gentleness that he does. If anything happens to him, my mom is in trouble. On his last colonoscopy, they kept him at the hospital a lot longer than we expected. It was well into the evening by the time I was allowed to take him home, which made for a very tense time. Anticipating the worst, my mom and I were both quite nervous today.

My dad on the other hand wasn't nervous in the least. He is so funny--he has a goofy, playful innocence about him, a lightness, with which he just floats through life with a smile on his face. He casually talks to everyone, making some clever or silly comment about whatever happens to be within his field of view, instantly making friends and bringing smiles. You would never guess that there was even an inkling of cynicism in my dad, unless you know him as well as I do. I know that he is very knowledgable about all the ulterior motives and hidden agendas, all the evil that can lurk in the minds of people. But he never assumes the worst about anyone (until he gets to know them, and then knows better). That's something for which I should strive with more effort, instead of being the distrusting cynic that I am.

So as I nervously drove my dad to the hospital, and walked with him through the hallways, thinking about the horrible possibilities that could possibly await him by the end of his exam, I listened to his running commentary (he really talks a lot!) about various stories from his career in the foreign service, and the changes to his schedule from last week's snowstorm, and the winding labyrinth of hospital hallways, and the green line on the wall we were following, and the foolishness of erecting buildings where there wasn't nearly enough space for another building, and whatever else went through his mind. He was totally unconcerned about those horrible possibilities that concerned me so much.

One thing that he said today, which I have heard him say before but which I always find very profound and moving, is that he said he and my mom have led a very interesting life together, and that he didn't think it was that interesting back then, but now looking back, he can see how very interesting it was. It makes me so happy to know that my dad feels happy and satisfied about his life, in spite of whatever hardships and tragedies he faced.

I remember I used to feel bad for my dad when he worked as a lowly paralegal (this was well after he left the foreign service), having a boring and tedious job, working for people who I thought were unappreciative jerks. But he actually liked his bosses, and his coworkers loved him. He liked his job, even though it was neither prestigious nor lucrative. I had no right to feel bad for him then--I just didn't understand. And now that I have a career of my own which I don't really care for much these days, I appreciate much more what it is like to have a job you like.

There's no doubt that it is a tragedy that my mom became ill, but I remember thinking it was doubly tragic since the burden of caring for her fell mainly upon my dad. I don't think he ever saw it that way though. He feels it is his duty to care for her, and he does it without reluctance or hesitation. There is much about their relationship about which I do not know, but I have a feeling that my mom's illness may have brought them closer together. When I think about the maturity and equanimity with which my parents deal with their problems, it makes me feel like such a child with all the anxiety and resentment I feel toward problems that aren't nearly as severe. Of course, my parents have had considerably more time to grow up, but man, I still have so far to go.

Anyway, it warmed my heart to hear my dad speak about his life with pride and satisfaction. His colonoscopy showed no problems (phew, what a relief!) so he will be due for his next one in five years. My dad jokes that he's not sure he'll still be around in five years. I sure hope he was joking, because I'd really miss him.

No Ideas

2007-02-16T14:58:00.000-05:00

Haven't had much will to post lately. Just no ideas. My mom came home last Saturday, and she seems to be in much better condition. Still tired though, but I think (I hope) that's only because she has a cold. Other than that, not much to say. I'm sure I'll come up with some ideas soon. Or maybe I'll get myself a new camera...

Wow, I just realized I have over 100 posts--111 in fact! I didn't think I had that many.

An Exercise in Creativity

2007-02-04T16:51:00.000-05:00

During the winter months when it's too cold to go fishing (and no, the prospect of sitting on my ass out in the cold next to a hole in the ice does not appeal to me), too often I find myself sitting on my ass letting the teevee rot my brain. I have made ambitious efforts to cultivate other hobbies practiceable indoors, but they have all sputtered out after a period of declining enthusiasm. Either the challenge is too great, or I just don't have enough patience, or else my skill level cannot compete with the demands of my overly self-critical expectations. One such hobby is pencil drawing, although this one I have not yet abandoned. I enjoy it very much in some ways. It's a wonderful feeling to be absorbed in an activity that engages your complete attention. And it's very satisfying to watch the page come alive with something you create yourself from nothing. But sometimes I become so focused on it that it is no longer relaxing. I get a headache from concentrating with too much intensity. And it's incredibly frustrating and discouraging when no matter how much I try, and how many times I erase and try again, I just cannot get something right.

In a previous post, I had a photo of me in my living room, and a few people asked about the "thing in the background", a piece of needlework depicting a dragon and phoenix. Since I am still without a camera, I decided to try to capture an image with my own hand. I am very happy with how this came out, even though its flaws are immediately noticeable. I always have a problem with getting the proportions right. The whole scene is supposed to be well-centered, with a uniform margin of empty space around the edge. The floating orb is supposed to be dead-center. I made certain things too big or too small which led to this skewed result. And there is more textural detail in the clouds and dragon's body which I left out. But anyway, this drawing gives you a glimpse at both my living room scenery and where I am on my road to artistic development.

Not Out of the Woods

2007-01-31T20:19:00.000-05:00

My mom is still in the rehab hospital. She was showing signs of great improvement, and they were planning on sending her home this past Monday. But then over the weekend, her condition took a sharp turn for the worse. Her symptoms returned, and she became tired and weak--she seems to have lost all the strength she has been building up the past few weeks. They have put her back on antibiotics, and say she is now battling both pneumonia and a UTI. It's all very worrisome. Every day I call my dad to get an update on her status, and he tries to paint as positive a picture as he can. Of course, that's not nearly enough to ease my anxious mind. We've been through this before many times, and each time she has recovered. But it's difficult every time, and it never gets any easier. My poor mom. The MS was bad enough, but when all these other complications pile on, it's really heartbreaking.

Night Fishing

2007-01-17T20:02:00.000-05:00

While checking out my site-stats a few weeks ago, I noticed that someone had discovered my blog by Googling "night fishing urban dictionary". I'm a big fan of the Urban Dictionary, and find it to be a very useful aid in keeping up with contemporary expressions. And of course, I was quite curious to learn what the kids mean when they say "night fishing." So I checked it out. Jeez, I had no idea! I wouldn't mind waking up to that!

(While at urbandictionary.com, I also learned what a badonkadonk is--oh man, that one is hilarious!)

Blah

2007-01-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here, feeling kinda bored, wondering what I should do with myself, and not really feeling like doing anything. I'd say I'm having a fairly lousy day--spent the whole day bored off my ass at work, then came home wondering what direction my life is headed in, what direction it should be headed in, and just how the hell anyone is able to make such drastic changes to their life when they're 33 years old and no longer have the energy or motivation to make any kind of changes. I guess it's my usual existential alienation, coupled with a few other things. I'm not feeling entirely well, which is a little disconcerting considering how I've been trying to keep myself healthy by going running every other day for the past two weeks. I seem to be acutely sensitive to my physiological condition right now, so even the slightest ailment sends me into a hypochondriacal tailspin. Not sure why this is, but I suspect it's because I'm losing my mind. It has been several weeks since I've had a substantive conversation with anyone, and I think personal interaction helps to keep me sane. So in its absence, well, what can I expect? I think I'm gonna go sit my ass down on my futon, eat a plateful of Trader Joe's Organic Chocolate Chip Cookies (which, by the way, I have decided are the best store-bought cookies I've ever tasted), drink a glass of milk, and watch Teevee until I can smell the stench of my rotting brain. God, what an awful post--I'll be mighty surprised if I don't delete this pretty soon.

Here We Go Again

2007-01-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

My mom's back in the hospital. She always seems kinda weary--this is a side-effect of the medication she on to treat the MS symptoms. But on Christmas, in addition to being tired, she complained of back pain as well. It's so difficult to see her trapped in her wheelchair, unable even to shift her body enough to get comfortable. When she's in pain, it's especially heartbreaking. I still don't know how to deal with the sadness and powerlessness I feel while witnessing or even contemplating her suffering. Anyway, at one point she also appeared to have difficulty breathing, which was especially alarming. But after lying down and taking a nap for a while, she seemed improved. On previous occasions, this kind of weariness has led to hospitalizations for pneumonia, so I was quite worried. However, in the next few days it was a relief to hear my dad report that she seemed better than she did on Christmas.

Only it wasn't quite so. On New Year's Day, she was having chest pain, so an ambulance was called. She was diagnosed with pnuemonia again, along with some kind of anemia and sodium issue (I'm not sure here--my dad wasn't clear on the details). After a few days at the hospital, she was moved to a rehab hospital. Hopefully, this transfer was because she was making good progress recovering and not because they wanted to free up the bed. So now she's at the rehab hospital. It's stressful wondering when (or if) she will recover enough to return home. And of course, that gets me wondering about all sorts of unspeakable possibilities which I'd rather not think about. I don't know, that's all I have to say for now.

Stagefright (or A Christmas Horror Story)

2006-12-21T16:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I could ever be a performer. If I had what it takes to get up on a stage in front of a large audience and entertain. On previous occasions when I was coerced into giving a talk or presentation, either for school or work, I generally did pretty well. And afterward, I remember that warm, giddy feeling of accomplishment mixed with relieved stress. I might have even said it was fun.

But the apprehension leading up to it was nerve-wracking. So unpleasant, in fact, that I tend to invoke my usual anxiety-coping scheme: avoiding such situations all together. In spite of that, sometimes I still have the urge to try it, the desire to get in front of people and speak, or read a script or recite poetry, or something. Just for kicks, make a spectacle of myself. In a way, that's what my blog is all about, in a very gentle and cautious way. Maybe someday, I'll gather the nerve to overcome my fears...

Anyway, I mention that to introduce a Christmas tale of my childhood. A nightmarish story of terror and humiliation, which no doubt pushed me well along the path of irremediable stagefright:

At my elementary school, each grade would do some sort of performance at the annual Christmas show. Usually, this was singing a song, or performing a skit, or some combination thereof. My first grade role turned out to be especially traumatizing.

We each had a role with a few spoken lines, and my line was something like this: "...and Santa will bring lots of toys, for all the good girls and boys." I memorized it, and said it well during the classroom rehearsal. And I was ready for our rehearsal on stage in the auditorium, as we practiced before Dr. Shanahan, the school principal. This was frightening enough, since she was a big, old, ugly, menacing woman, as well as a scary authority figure. But that was only the beginning. When I delivered my lines, Dr. Shanahan rose from her seat, told us to stop everything, and sauntered toward the stage, shaking her head. Oh, god. As you can guess, my heart was pounding, my body tensed--I knew this was not good, and I was terrified!

She gave us a lecture about how we need to speak up, project our voices, that she could barely hear us. She was addressing all of us, but how could I interpret it as anything but criticism of my own performance, since it was my feeble voice that brought her forth? As I trembled in the (metaphorical) spotlight, she told me to do my lines over again.

So I did, and this time I tried to be loud, in spite of my terror. "...and Santa will bring lots of toys, for all the good girls and boys!"

"That's still not loud enough," came the response, in her disapproving monotone.

Here I am, a frightened child who has always been a good student, behaved himself, performed well in the classroom, being told by the highest authority at the school, right here before my teacher and all of my peers that I wasn't making the grade. Humiliation on top of fear. I was not having fun.

I tried once again to speak my lines with amplified volume, but I knew I was still failing. In my current state, I couldn't force my voice any louder. And her reaction was just as critical as before.

I gave it yet another shot, my fear and desperation clearly audible now, as I struggled with this insurmountable challenge. But I knew I failed yet again, and hung my head in shame. Only this time, I was granted a reprieve from my torture, as we moved on and my classmates each took their turn shouting incoherently at the top of their lungs to avoid the same wretched treatment.

On the day of the real performance, I completely freaked. I was quietly dreading it all week, and I knew I couldn't handle it. So I skipped school. I absolutely refused to go. My parents were bewildered--I am sure they were unprepared for the tantrum I threw, the crying, the screaming, the stomping of feet, the full brunt of my desperate refusal. So ashamed was I that I never told them the reason for all the hysterics. That I was afraid to face another round of public humiliation. I'm not sure I ever told them.

Later that day, my first grade teacher gave me a phone call. This was not only performance day, but the day of the big Christmas party, and I was missing all the festivities. I remember her urging me to come to school, and partake of the fun. But I couldn't, because I knew what else was going to happen that day, and I didn't want any part of that.

And mercifully, that was the end. After that, it was all over, and everything was forgotten. Forgotten by everyone except me. I still feel like I'm carrying scars from that whole episode. Funny how childhood memories can still seem to haunt you years later. I wish I could grab Dr. Shanahan by the throat, give her a good shaking, and shout at the top of my lungs, right in her face, "Fuck you, you bitch! Fuck you and your fucking Christmas performance! Fuck you and your fucking 'speak louder' bullshit! You of all people should know better how to speak to little children!" Fucking bitch.

Merry Christmas everyone.

December Fishing

2006-12-20T16:04:00.000-05:00

Winter is a rough season for me. When the weather gets cold, the daylight hours short, and the immune system susceptable, I don't get much of a chance to enjoy my favorite passtime. When your fingers are cold and numb, it's hard to crank a reel, let along try to remove a fish from a hook, so I generally avoid cold-weather fishing. I thought I was done for this year when December arrived, and ice formed on the nearby pond. However, this past weekend we were treated with sunny, mild weather, with temperatures near 50. I saw the ice had melted, so I figured hell, why not throw a few casts?

I wasn't expecting much since the fish tend to become less active when the water is cold. But at least I'd get some much needed fresh air, and a little sun on my face for a change. Much to my surprise, I actually had some luck. On Saturday, I pulled in two pickerels and four calicos--not too bad for the middle of December. And on Sunday, I caught a largemouth, a pickerel, and an astonishing 12 calicos! Calicos aren't the best sports-fish to catch, but they're definitely better than nothing. And these ones were fighting--they put up much more of a struggle than they do during the summer.

With any luck, we'll have a mild winter, and I'll be able to fish straight through. Hard to conceive actually, but I'm hoping!

Job Satisfaction (or lack thereof)

2006-12-16T16:18:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, my job dissatisfaction reached new levels. I felt lost and adrift working on the same project I had been working on for a few months. Bored and directionless, I wanted out. So that evening I went to the library and got the book I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher, a book about switching careers. At the time, I was still finishing up Xenocide, book three in the Ender Series by Orson Scott Card.* So I put off my introspective career-shifting study for the remainder of the week, to fulfill my sci-fi needs.

During that week, I spoke to my boss about the project, and he gave me a new perspective. His explanation offered new insights into the nature of what I was doing and its importance within the bigger picture. The software I'm developing is actually a key component which will catapult our analysis effort into a new and vast realm which, up until now, we have struggled to understand. With this new appreciation of my job, the will to leave diminished greatly.

But the following week, as I plodded through my programming tasks, the boredom crept back in, and my thoughts turned to escape. So I picked up the book, and took my first steps toward a new career. One of the exercises was to reach into your imagination, let your mind soar, and describe your dream job. (This is actually a fun and interesting exercise. Might make a good meme--what would your dream job be?) Here's what I came up with:

I would work as an eco-tour-guide, spending half the year in Southeast Asia, and the other half in South America. I would run the business myself, hire the employees I needed, and conduct fun, informative, and exciting eco-tours. During the off-season, I would film nature documentaries of the area.

The next step was to act as if you had made the decision to embark on this new career. Decide what you need to learn, and determine what the next steps would be. For one hour only. Just throw yourself into it. So I did some internet research, and even emailed a real eco-tour-guide in Australia asking for information. He thinks I could become one after a month of on-the-job training. Hey, that's not a bad deal! Now if only I weren't so risk-averse, and could actually act in spite of all the second guessing that will undoubted follow. Sigh.

* Xenocide was very disappointing. The first two books in the series, Ender's Game and Speaker for the Dead are both very good. In fact, I believe each of them won both the Hugo and Nebula awards the years they came out, deservedly so. It might be too much to expect Card to achieve that level of greatness three times in a row. But I would not have expected book three to be as unremarkable as it was. In fact, the ending leaves me wondering whether or not I will even bother to check out the remaining sequels.

Trader Joe's

2006-12-02T09:58:00.000-05:00

If you have a Trader Joe's nearby, you should try this lasagne. It's absolutely delicious, chemical free, and wholly organic. At first, I thought this one-serving portion would be too small, but as I savored the last bite, my stomach was full and my appetite sated. One good thing about my temporary car-lessness is that it pushed me into shopping at Trader Joe's, which I can reach with just a five-minute walk. A great store, with all sorts of stuff, both ordinary and not, and lots of organics, all at competitive prices. Plus, just walking around inside, you can feel the warm, friendly, progressive atmosphere. In fact, now that I have discovered this wonderful store, I have shifted to buying most of my groceries there. This is exactly the kind of business I enthusiastically endorse and support!

The Whole Ball of Wax

2006-11-25T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well I wrote the last post a little too early. Later yesterday evening, my anxiety resurfaced with a vengeance. The ringing in my ear had intensified, and the blockage had become more complete. And I was losing my mind. Spinning out of control, the only thought my weary mind had was: Oh god, what if this never ends, and I live with it the rest of my life? What a nightmare! So the shakes returned, and I paced, trembled and sweated, all night. Caught not a single Z.

So this morning, I realized there was no longer any choice. I couldn't take it any more. A trip to the ER was necessary. I went, and took all my apprehension and dread with me. When my number was up, I explained to the physician's assistant my symptoms: started with a cold, turned into a blocked ear, then became a blocked and ringing ear, and then I lost my mind. I told her about how I could hear something weird that sounded like a muscle moving around in my ear when I chewed or talked, and how it sounded like it was having a spasm when I heard a loud noise in my other ear. She checked me out, checked my ears out, and said very matter-of-factly, "Your ear is completely blocked. By earwax."

Earwax? No way. In disbelief, I replied, "Really?" She explained how she would put some drops in my ear to loosen it up, then flush it out with water, and I'll be all set. Yeah, right. As if it were all that simple! There's no way earwax could be responsible for all the weirdness I was hearing.

So a half hour after she applied the drops, she began to flush out my ear using a syringe with a long, thin, plastic tip. She shot strong jets of warm water into my ear--not quite painful, but a little uncomfortable. At one point, she began digging in there to loosen it up further. Then on the 7th or 8th flush, the miracle happened. I could hear again! The blockage was not only completely cleared, but I could hear better than ever through that ear! She said, "You got a Cadillac coming out here." I looked down at the basin catching the water, and there was a huge, brown and gray piece of earwax that she had just removed. I swear to god, it was about a half inch in diameter! I didn't think you could fit that much stuff into an ear!

So the earwax was the whole problem after all. I couldn't believe it! She told me I still had a little bit of infection that was behind that ball of wax, so she gave me some drops for it. But when that clears, I should be all set. I already feel several orders of magnitude better. It was the greatest trip to the ER ever! I'll be sending them a thank you card soon!

Winding Down

2006-11-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

The Afrin has worn off. 12 hours my ass--my sinuses and nasal passages were dried out for closer to 24 hours. I mean parched--dried out to the point of being uncomfortable. Not to mention I was trembling with anxiety, wondering if the ringing in my ear would ever end, dreading the next wave of the shakes and tight muscles, wishing to god that my restless body could sleep some of it off. Last night I finally started to wind down, muscles relaxing, recovering from that stressful mental state. I was able to get a very restful night's sleep, which did me a lot of good. My head has gone back to being congested, but that's fine with me. The ringing in my ears is still there and still loud, but I'm not nearly as freaked out by it. Hell, I'll take those symptoms over the chemically induced sleeplessness and added anxiety any day! I don't think I will be taking any more decongestants ever again.

Tinnitus

2006-11-23T03:02:00.000-05:00

My ear is ringing. This all started a week ago when I started having some cold symptoms, like head congestion, and then my ear felt like it was blocked. Now it still feels blocked, and on top of that, it's ringing. Real loud. What a nightmare--I really feel for people who suffer from chronic tinnitus. Right now, I'm kinda freaked out in a serious way, terrified that this infernal ringing will never go away. In fact, I'm feeling quite anxious. I keep pacing around, and start trembling when I try to sit or lie still. I suspect this is in part because I took some Afrin nasal spray earlier this evening. It cleared out my nasal passages, but didn't unblock my ear. WebMD says common side effects with Afrin include trouble sleeping and nervousness. Great. And I am already an anxiety-prone person. What a mess I am. It's 3am and I'm not the least bit sleepy, my muscles are tight, I'm fearful and anxious, and my ear is ringing like crazy. This sucks.

Tiburon Numero Dos

2006-11-19T14:32:00.000-05:00

I went down to the Hyundai dealership today and asked about that dark red Tiburon. Turns out it was a new one, so the price tag was $20000. Oh man, too much! So I asked him about any cars for less than $10000 he had. He showed me some used Elantras, nothing that really caught my eye. Then he checked his records and found a red 2003 Tiburon on the back lot, which he said would be within my price range. This one was bright red, not as cool as the dark red one, but still very nice, with a black leather interior. I don't care for leather interiors, but there isn't much selection among used Tiburons. I took it for a test drive, and it drove much like my old one, maybe a little more smoothly, and definitely with more power. I was thinking, okay this Tiburon looks really cool, drives great, has a few years left on the tranferable bumper-to-bumper warranty (and a lot of years left on the powertrain warranty). It's not my favorite color, and I don't really care for the leather interior. But if it's for $10000 or less, I will buy it. Of course, I kept my thoughts to myself, giving expression only to the points I didn't like. He looked up the price and apologized for his earlier mistake, as it turned out to be $13195. Ugh, dilemma! We entered haggle mode. I offered $11000. He went to talk to his supervisor for a few minutes--a common sales tactic, I understand. He returned with $12700. I didn't budge. So then he offered to show me the other cars on the lot for <$10000, which he did. Nothing caught my eye. Afterward, I offered $12000 for the Tiburon. At this point, I think it was pretty clear I wanted the car enough to accept his price, but he still went back to talk to his supervisor again for a few minutes. Surprisingly, he brought the price down to $12500, albeit with great reluctance. He explained how he wouldn't be making money on it at this price. I pretended to accept as truth this blatant falsehood. So with equal reluctance, I accepted. I expect to finalize the deal this week. So I'm spending half what I would have spent on a Prius, and I get a cool car which I know from experience will work out for me. So even though I'm still shaking from the shock of spending what will still be a lot of money, I'm happy about it!

I'm suffering from a cold, and I feel miserable. My head is congested and my right ear feels like it is completely blocked. I think walking in the cold, to and from these car dealerships is not helping my condition. Not to mention the anxiety of car shopping and price haggling. I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day.

Test Drive

2006-11-18T16:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I just test drove a Prius. It's a very nice car. It's kinda weird how you start it up--you put in the key (don't even turn it), and push the Start button. There is a weird lever for putting it in Drive or Reverse, and another button for putting it in Park. But once you've started it up, it drives just like a regular car. I couldn't tell when it was running off the battery or the engine, except by watching the display panel. It has some zip, and although I didn't take it out on the highway, I got a feel for the engine's power as I drove it up a fairly steep hill. It's also interesting that it recharges the battery when you brake or coast.

However, there are some things I didn't like about it. The rear window is tiny, and it is divided into two sections, so when you look in the rear view mirror, you don't get a good idea of what's back there. In order to compensate for that, there is a camera back there, and the rear view image shows up on the dashboard LCD panel. However, the low-end, bare-bones model does not come with that camera. I think I would want it if I bought a Prius, so add another $1000 to the price tag.

Another thing I don't like about it is that in order to control the heat, fan, AC, defroster, etc., you must push a button so that that the LCD panel displays the Climate screen, and then touch the panel (yeah, it's a touchscreen LCD) in order to make the adjustments you want. I think I'd much prefer a set of knobs for all that. I can imagine how distracting it would be to fight with that panel while trying to drive. There are some button controls for this stuff on the steering wheel itself, which might relieve the difficulty. I don't know--I'm not used to that.

So overall, I think it's a good car. Not perfect, but pretty good. But damn, it's expensive! I'm still apprehensive about spending so much money. I need more time to think about it. Here is how I weigh it:

Qualities

Drawbacks

You know, I really loved my old car. It was a dark green 1998 Hyundai Tiburon--in my opinion, Tiburons are the coolest sporty cars out there. Today as I was riding the bus back from the library, I looked out the window as we passed the Hyundai dealership, and there was a dark red Tiburon sitting on the lot. I started thinking, hmmmmm, I could go for another used Tiburon. As I seriously consider shelling out $24000 for a Prius, I find the idea of another Tiburon very tempting, especially if I could find a used one for less than half that.

Ugh, now I gotta go mull this over some more...

New or Used?

2006-11-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

I looked at a used car yesterday. A condo neighbor is trying to sell her 1993 Ford Taurus. She's asking for $500 and seems willing to accept less. In theory, this should be a good deal--a drivable car for cheap that is immediately available. When she told me it has 154,000 miles on it, needs new brakes and a new battery, and has had problems in the past with smoke coming out of the vents, it lost a lot of its appeal.

I'm a guy who lives a very humble and frugal lifestyle. I am very careful about how I spend my money, and forever vigilant against the unspeakable foolishness of wasting money. As such, I have never even thought myself capable of buying a brand new car. New cars depreciate so fast, you would just be throwing money away. I always thought the headaches that come with a used car would be far easier to take than the shock of lost value one incurs when driving a new car off the dealer's lot.

Now I find myself in an existential crisis, as I actually consider plunking down both an arm and a leg for a new car. As I weigh my options, the new car is looking like a real possibility. With a used car, you save lots of money up front, but you really don't know what you're getting. With a new car, you get a shiny new car with a warranty, but you pay through the nose, and it devalues quickly.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I need to give this more thought. Decisions, decisions. Right now I'm gravitating strongly toward a brand new Prius...

What Happened Was...

2006-11-10T12:57:00.000-05:00

(Click to enlarge)

One moment of carelessness, compounded with a conspiracy of forces beyond my control. Now I'm out a few thousand dollars, my back aches, and I must rely on others to get to my workplace. Here's a word of advice: when driving, pay attention! Here's some more: make sure you have rental coverage on your insurance policy.

Another One Rides the Bus

2006-11-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

Today I realized something about myself. Over the years I have put a lot of effort into being self-sufficient and self-reliant. So my immediate reaction to being without a car was dread and apprehension, since my primary mechanism of self-sufficiency was removed. But this morning I realized a side-effect of my self-sufficient ways. This morning I rode the bus for the first time in about 10 years, and I realized the extent of my introversion. I have not even sat in close proximity a bunch of strangers in a long time. It was kinda weird, but at the same time I felt connected. I felt like the bus really brings people together, and not just physically.

There is a certain kind of mutual respect among the passengers on a bus ride (assuming no one is being a total jerk). Everyone is quiet and mindful of their own business. There is no overt hostility. Each person knows the rules, and follows them for the benefit of everyone. Bus passengers form a temporary community, and the social dynamic is noticable even when silent.

The bus also brings people together in another way: everyone on board is in fact a bus-rider. Let me explain. There are some people who refuse to ride the bus. They may feel it too confining, or too slow, or too inconvenient, or too beneath them. These people will never ride a bus, or will only as a last resort. I am ashamed to admit that I have been one of those people for the past 10 years. There is an arrogance to that position, and now that I have reflected on it, it is an arrogance I am not happy about possessing. To ride the bus requires flexibility, patience, humility, and willingness to be around others--all admirable qualities. In this sense, the community of bus-riders is comprised of individuals who share a basic commonality, as well as a set of qualities which I would like to further cultivate in myself.*

So I had a very pleasant bus ride to Alewife Station this morning in order to purchase a bus pass for this month. I will again be a bus-rider, and I think it will be good for me. I actually enjoy being part of the community, even if (or perhaps precisely because?) the community disbands as soon as the bus reaches its destination.

After my bus ride, I went to the salvage yard to remove all the stuff from my car. I thought I would be unable to take everything since I was on foot, but when they asked me to sign the form, it gave me no choice but to indicate I had removed ALL my personal belongings! So I took the flashlight, maps, tire pressure gauge and extra light bulbs out of my glove compartment. Then, against my better judgement, I took the big plastic box full of miscellaneous car stuff out of the trunk. This box is about 3x2x1 (feet)--it takes up half the trunk space. Luckily it wasn't too heavy, but it wasn't light either, and my back is still recovering. I hoisted it up onto my shoulder, and proceeded to walk the half-mile back home. I made it after taking only one rest break, only to realize I had forgotten to check the odometer! The insurance company will need the mileage if it is in fact declared a total loss. So I and my stiff and sore back walked back, noted the miles, and returned. I will be lying down for the rest of the day.

*There is also a socio-economic class-based aspect of the bus-riding community, but it is more tricky and nuanced, and probably deserves an entire post for itself.

Likely totaled

2006-11-01T16:48:00.000-05:00

I got into a car accident this morning. Don't worry--I'm not seriously injured. No broken bones or anything, but my back is sore, and I'll bet it'll be even more sore tomorrow. The guy in front of me stopped suddenly, so I slammed on my brakes and skidded across the wet asphault right into him. My car got the worst of it--airbags deployed, front end smashed up pretty good, leaking coolant all over. I'll tell you more about it later.

Motivation

2006-10-31T16:26:00.000-05:00

It has been a really long time since I wrote a substantive blog post. I don't know, I have just been lacking motivation. There are many topics I have in mind, a whole list of them that I compiled even before I started my blog, but I just can't seem to move them off the back burner. And at this point in time, I feel so lethargic, not just blog-wise, but in general. I haven't been expending much creative energy at work or anywhere else, or any kind of energy for that matter, and that habit has really taken root. It's not a good state to be in.

Some people are participating in National Blog Posting Month, pledging to post an entry every day during the month of November. There's no way I could handle that, but I like the idea of getting into the habit of blogging every day. So this is what I'm going to do: I will spend at least an hour each day working on a blog-post. Instead of shutting off my alarm in the morning, and lying idly in bed in half-conscious bliss thinking about how I really don't want to get up, I will get up and write. I doubt I will finish one every day, but I will at least sit down and make a good-faith effort. For some reason, I seem to think that since I am putting this in writing, I am more likely to follow through. However, I suspect that's not really the case. If this post gets deleted, you will know I have reneged.

The Butterfly Effect

2006-10-29T17:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not a big fan of Ashton Kutcher. For the most part, he plays stupid-funny roles, and is typecast as a goofball. And that's fine--I can appreciate stupid-funny. It just doesn't take a lot of acting talent to do it, or if it does, the 'skill' involved doesn't come across as acting talent. And this is why I was ready to write off Ashton Kutcher as a serious actor. But I gotta admit I was quite surprised when I saw The Butterfly Effect, starring Ashton Kutcher in a serious role which he pulled off pretty well. He plays a pensive and introspective young man, searching for himself among his repressed memories, and discovering an unusual talent with very powerful repurcussions. This is the kind of movie that would easily be spoiled by revealing too much, so I will say no more about the plot for the benefit of those who will take my recommendation and see it. I will just add that this movie is ultimately about two things: (1) causality, and (2) the lengths to which a person would go to help those whom he cares about--a double delight for the philosophically minded! It is poignant, suspenseful, shocking at moments, with a supernatural twist thrown in. It didn't completely blow me away, but it left me thinking, and among those thoughts was: "Gee, that was a really good movie." Some other movies that caused that same reaction in me were Groundhog Day and American History X.

Resurrection (Updated)

2006-10-20T21:53:00.000-04:00

Lately I've seen a big spider hanging out in my bathroom. Not too big, maybe with a legspan of about an inch when in a natural, relaxed position. Sometimes I see her on the wall, or on the sink, and a few times I've found her in my bathtub as I was getting ready to take a shower. Each time I have gently coaxed her onto a paper towel and lifted her up to place her on the window sill, safely out of harm's way. Spiders are so cool, I can't bring myself to kill one.

This morning, I didn't see her anywhere. She wasn't in the tub, so I started up the shower, and went on my usual morning routine. But afterwards, as I was stepping out, I looked down to see something big and brown sitting in the drain trap. Oh no! It was the soggy, lifeless carcass of my spider! She must have slipped into the tub, and faced certain death in the form of a hot, raging, inescapable torrent! "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I repeated my futile plea over and over, as if it could somehow bring her back to life, alas, to no avail. I scooped up her water-logged body onto a paper-towel, and put it on the counter, hoping that when I came home from work, by some miracle, I'd find that she had crawled off.

But when I returned home in the evening, she was still on the paper towel. I knew it was hopeless--there's no return after you've drowned to death. But as I looked more closely, she seemed different. He legs weren't sprawled out in the awkward position I'd left her, but were in the natural state in which you'd find a healthy, living spider. How could this be? Is that just what happens when a drowned spider corpse dries out? I gave her a tap with my finger, and she started walking! I watched in disbelief--she came back from the dead! "You're alive!" I shouted as I laughed and raised my hands up toward the ceiling. The miracle had happened after all!

I'm really not sure what to make of this, whether this is in fact miraculous, or if these types of spiders are just really tough. I know for sure that I like this spider a lot more than I previously realized. For now on, my little friend, I will be especially mindful of your safety!

UPDATE: Well, the miracle was short-lived. She looked like she had made a complete recovery, but alas, it was not the case. At first, she was very reluctant to walk around, a stark contrast to her previous curious self, who would explore every corner of my bathroom. But then symptoms more ominous appeared: she would stagger as if her coordination was failing, and flex her legs like she was losing control of them. Then she finally flopped over onto her back and folded her legs inward, with only occasional movement. And then, no movement at all. I guess the torrent was more than she could handle.

Adding Some Color

2006-10-11T14:45:00.000-04:00

This is the shirt I am wearing today. I purchased it about a month ago, before my camera broke. I saw it on the rack, and said to myself, "Self, that is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen! I'm gonna get it and wear it to work!" So I did. And actually, it's not that bad-looking a shirt. In fact, I kinda like it.

I'll be the first to admit I have no fashion sense whatsoever. That doesn't really bother me for the most part. Most of my clothes are dark colored--lots of black t-shirts and dark-colored plaid shirts, which I wear with black or blue jeans. But a burst of bright color now and then is good for the soul, and I haven't had any in years. I could definitely use more color in my life!

Friday Night Fishing

2006-09-29T21:23:00.000-04:00

Went fishing after work today. It got mighty cold this afternoon and a stiff breeze picked up, chilling my fingers and making the water choppy. I was wearing my denim jacket over my sweatshirt, with the hood over my head. Autumn has definitely arrived. I had good luck today, catching 2 bass, 1 pickerel, and 4 crappies--nothing unusually large, pretty ordinary for the local pond. But I also caught a couple other fish which were quite noteworthy.

I was throwing an in-line spinnerbait, which was working well attracting the bass and crappies, and I got another hit. I set the hook and starting to bring him in, and I noticed he wiggled much more rapidly and vigorously than the usual bass. I thought it was a sunfish at first, because they like to shake hard for their size, but he pulled with a lot more strength than a sunfish. I dragged him through the vegetation as I brought him to the shore, and he was half-covered with weeds when I got my first look at him. What a weird looking fish! He was good-sized, about 12 inches, but had a strange shape, wider around the middle than a bass, with a very wide head. Oh my god, he had no scales! He had a smooth, dark gray skin. Is it a catfish? No, it couldn't be--they don't chase bass lures. I pulled the weeds off his head to reveal a set of long whiskers! It was a catfish after all, and he chased a bass lure! How bizarre! I haven't caught a catfish since I was a kid! When I was little, my brother told me that you have to be careful with catfish, because they have poisonous spines on them. I have no idea if this is actually true or not (I'm gonna have to research it). But I decided to be careful nonetheless, seeing as I don't have a lot of experience with catfish. However, I once saw a documentary on PBS about noodling (Google Images has lots of cool pics of people noodling--but my catfish was nothing like those monsters down south!). From that, I knew for a fact that you can grab a catfish by the jaw the way you would a bass, so that's what I did as I unhooked him. I held him up to admire him for another half-minute or so--it's always neat to catch something new, and catfish are pretty cool-looking with the whiskers and all. Damn, I wish my camera was still working! Then I let him go, and with another vigorous tail wag, he splashed me good!

A little while later, I switched to another lure, a smaller in-line spinner with a different color. After a few casts, I caught another catfish! I fish this pond all the time, and I've never before caught catfish on bass lures, and now two in one night! They must be especially hungry, driven by the instinctive urge to bulk up for winter. Yup, autumn is definitely here.

Unease

2006-09-19T14:53:00.000-04:00

There is an uneasy feeling that pervades my entire being. It goes away when I'm completely alone, when there's no one around to pass their judgements on me, and I can rest in the safety of isolation. Or when I'm distracted, when my attention can be so focused as to keep out all other thoughts. But it's present a lot of the time.

I feel it in my body. The subtle knot in the pit of my stomach. The tiredness of my neck, as if it's straining to hold up my head. The ragged feeling in every muscle that if I could just relax a little bit more, I'd feel so much more comfortable. It's not the intense, trembling tightness that accompanies an all out panic, but just a subtle tension.

I feel it in my mind. That all-too-familiar existential anxiety that I've had for years. The doubts and uncertainty swirling in my head, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, making the right choices, heading in the rght direction. Too afraid to face judgement or criticism, too doubtful about my ability to defend my beliefs and actions. What if I don't measure up? What if I fail?

It's worst when I'm at work. When I walk through the building, I feel like I am in highschool, sneaking through the hallways without a pass, like I could be apprehended and questioned at any time. "How come you're not working? Oh, just taking a break? Not on company time!" Of course, no one would ever say that. In fact, my workplace is pretty laid back. Yet I still feel like such a confrontation remains a menacing possibility. And even though I have proven myself time and time again, I still have that uneasy feeling that I'm always walking on eggshells. Not just at work, but in life.

When you are plagued by anxiety and doubt, how do you ever become un-plagued?

Almost Unbelievable

2006-09-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

Went fishing again today, back at the Concord River. The fishing has been so lousy there this summer, I just couldn't help but think it had to turn around. I hit all my usual spots, but after three hours, nothing, not even a bite. So I headed over to the last spot, the one where I had that tremendous hit a few weeks ago, but then lost the lure due to the swivel-snap breaking (here's that story, the very last paragraph). I threw another spinnerbait, similar to the one I lost, this time using a steel leader--not only is it solid, but it cannot be cut by pike teeth. After a half hour, I finally got a hit, another massive one! "Finally!" I shouted, as I made extra sure the hook was set. Left and right he swam, peeling off drag--it was a good fight. But I got him to the bank, and pulled him up onto the muddy shore. Good sized one, ~32 inches! Doesn't it figure that I ruin my camera just a few days before I catch this monster? He flopped around in the mud, splattering me pretty good, but then he calmed down a little. Must have been about 8 inches from his nose to the back of his gill plate. I carefully grabbed the back of his jaw to hold him vertical. You really don't want to mess with those long, razor-sharp teeth! He opened his mouth up wide as I twisted my lure to get it free. As I stared into the gaping maw, I saw another spinnerbait stuck in his lower jaw. It was dirty and worn, and the blade had rusted off--must have been there a few weeks. As I looked more carefully at it, I realized that beneath the dirt, the spinnerbait had the same color-pattern as the one I lost a few weeks ago. No way! Was this the same fish that got away last time!?! Then I saw the distinguishing feature which removed all doubt: the swivel that fastened the blade to the wire was not the original swivel, but rather the thick, black replacement swivel that I had put on when the original swivel stopped spinning! This was definitely my spinnerbait! I grabbed my pliers, and removed both spinnerbaits. I then set the giant fish back in the water, brushed the mud off him, and held him so he wouldn't roll on his back. When you take a pike out and hold him vertical for a while, he becomes unconscious, and takes some time to come to. After a minute, he woke up and swam off. The recovered spinnerbait is no longer usable. It's too dirty and rusted. But man, when I lose a lure, I never expect to see it again. This is quite unusual!

So I went back to fishing, and picked up right where I left off--a whole lot of nothing. After a few more hours, I was getting ready to leave, so I removed the steel leader, tied on a regular swivel snap, clipped on a big, black spinnerbait, and packed up my stuff for the trip home. As I was walking back, I was passing a spot, and I just couldn't resist throwing a few more casts before I left. As I cranked in the lure on the first cast, I could clearly see another huge pike come out of nowhere, snap it up about 5 feet from the bank, and start swimming off! Instinctively, I set the hook! And my line came flying right back at me, cleanly severed by the pike's teeth. D'oh! Jeez, Johnny, haven't you learned yet, if you're gonna fish this river, you must use a steel leader at all times! Actually, I've learned this lesson several times already, but I was just too lazy to put the leader back on, and I thought it would just be a few more unsuccessful casts. At this point, I did put the steel leader back on, and clipped on another spinner to see if by some miracle I could catch this pike a second time, and retrieve my other spinnerbait. No such luck of course, but I did end up catching a small bass.

So let's see, I reacquired an (unusable) quarter-ounce spinner, and lost a (brand new) half-ounce spinner. Well, at least I caught a big ol' pike!

The Last Photo I Ever Took

2006-09-14T20:43:00.000-04:00

Well, here it is, the last photo I'll ever take, with my old camera. I was fishing on Sunday, and having a surprisingly excellent day. Caught 15 bass, 3 crappies, 2 pickerels, and I even caught a sunfish on a spinnerbait. They were very agressive and very hungry. Most of the bass were kinda small, the largest was perhaps just over 1 lb. I took pics of each one, and this last one I held the camera horizontally to try to get the sunset and more of the scenery in the background. I should do that more often. Anyway, I was leaning over to return this fish to the water, when I suddenly felt a lightening sensation in my jacket pocket, as if something had fallen out, accompanied by a splash. I made sure the fish was able to swim away through the weeds, then looked down to see my camera sitting amongst the weeds, submerged in several inches of water! Goddamnit! I quickly reached down to pick it up, and pulled a paper towel out of my pocket to dry it off. Sadly, it was too late for my poor camera. I turned it on to see if it would still work, and the lens opened up, but it was clearly all screwed up. It was a shame, because the sunset became even more brilliant and intense as the evening wore on, and I wish I could have captured it. By the time I got home, the camera would say System Error whenever I turned it on, and it even started turning on by itself if I left the battery in it. That was actually kind of creepy. Knowing that this was the end for my camera, I opened it up to see if I could dry it out enough to get the last pics out. Man, the poor thing was full of water and mud. But as you can see, I did manage to salvage the last pics. I purchased this Nikon Coolpix 2100 about 4 years ago, and it has been a great little camera. I might replace it with another Nikon. But in the meantime, I'm gonna have to fill by blogposts with actual content instead of pics! Yikes!

More Pics

2006-09-08T15:12:00.000-04:00

Haven't posted any fish pics lately, mainly because I haven't caught a whole lot. But for those who seem to like my big, goofy smile, here ya go! The fishing slows down at the end of the summer, and my local pond has some issues making it more difficult to fish than usual. First, it is absolutely choked with aquatic vegetation. On top of that, they drain it half-way during the fall and winter months, which means at this time the weeds are twice as thick as when filled to capacity. In a few weeks, the weeds will die off and the fishing will improve. And as the water temperature drops, the fish start eating everything that moves, knowing that they must bulk up for the winter. If I recall correctly, the last bass I caught in 2005 was on Thanksgiving Day, so I figure I got a few more months before packing it up.

I caught these two ~1 lb. bass through the weeds as tropical storm Ernesto was arriving. Kinda fun fishing in windy conditions, but I wish I had dressed more warmly.

The New Futon

2006-09-04T13:22:00.001-04:00

Here are some pics of me enjoying my new futon. As you can see, it is a very handsome piece of furniture! It really changes the whole feel of my living room, very much for the better. And it goes great with my rug. For now I have just thrown a black sheet over it, but I might upgrade to a real futon cover at some time. I also need to get some real pillows for it, instead of these ones from my bed. If anyone has any suggestions for cover and pillow colors/patterns, feel free to offer them, seeing as my interior designer skills are somewhat lacking.

Mango Blogging (Updated)

2006-09-01T16:20:00.000-04:00

Since the last pic a few weeks ago, my mango plant hasn't been doing too well. It hasn't gotten any taller, or grown any more leaves. And look at what has happened to it in the last few days! The seed, previously a deep, rich, healthy-looking green, is turning black and staining the water! It's dying. Rotting. I now have no choice but to amputate the gangrenous appendage. It's this poor plant's only hope. Don't worry, little one, I won't give up on you!

UPDATE: I am happy to report that the operation was a success! The surgery went flawlessly. The mango plant will require a few days rest before it will be able to return to normal everyday activities, and so far, it's recovery has been nothing short of miraculous. I would like to thank everyone who offered their support and prayers to help us through this difficult time!

Cereal Box Challenge

2006-08-29T20:09:00.000-04:00

I'm a big fan of Cap'n Crunch cereal. Since I was child, this one has been my favorite, with those sweet, crunchy squares, so uniquely delicious. I am quite certain I will never outgrow the delight I feel while eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch. However, the word-search puzzles on the back of the box I outgrew some 25 years ago. But this latest box had a slightly nuanced word-search. Once you have found all the words, the remaining letters spell out a secret message--what a clever twist! If anyone is interested in attempting this cereal box challenge with me, click the image to enlarge.

And I Wish We All Waved...*

2006-08-23T21:38:00.000-04:00

This afternoon, I decided to enjoy the afternoon by going for a run on the bikepath that goes by my place. At one point, I came to where it intersects a street, and a car that was going by stopped to let bikers and runners go by. To show my appreciation to the driver for allowing me to pass, I waved in gratitude. Now just as I waved, a woman runner was running in the opposite direction. She saw me wave, and thought I was waving at her, so she smiled and waved back at me. I smiled to myself, and thought about this benign miscommunication for a moment, and how it might have just brightened someone's day. After all, it's nice to have a friendly stranger wave at you. And there is a certain camaraderie among runners on the bikepath, so it's not really unusual for complete strangers to wave at each other or say hello.

Near where I work, there is a guy who runs in the street during lunchtime. And he waves at every single car that passes (which is a lot, because everyone is going out for lunch). After the first several times that I saw this guy waving at me, I thought, hmmmm, what an odd thing to do, wave at every passing car. But I just figured he was a friendly guy, so I started waving back at him, along with the drivers of all the other passing cars! I later spoke to a co-worker who knew this guy, and she said he waves to everyone because when cars pass, he's not sure if he knows them or not, and he doesn't want to offend any of his friends by ignoring them. So he waves to everyone! And now everyone who has received his friendly gesture knows him, and waves back. By treating everyone as a friend, he has made friends with everyone.

I actually like the whole philosophy of the random act of kindness. However, I have never been one to practice it. I'm just too shy and self-conscious. I've always been afraid that I'd feel too silly. But you know, I'm gonna try it anyway. When I go running on the bikepath, I'm gonna be like that guy and wave to every runner I pass. Who knows, maybe I'll cheer someone up, or make them feel more at home, or maybe it'll help me feel more comfortable intiating contact with people. Because you know, I really don't want to be an introvert my whole life.

(* Can anyone guess what this blog-post title alludes to?)

One Week Off

2006-08-20T11:42:00.000-04:00

This past week I used up some of my vacation time. Here is a photographic account of my activities.

On Monday, I went to the Leominster State Forest to do some hiking.

I'll bet these cliffs provide a fun and exciting challenge for those who are into rock climbing.

However, I am not into rock climbing, so I took the trail that goes alongside the cliffs. At the top, there is a nice view (click to enlarge). Probably looks quite vibrant in the autumn during foliage season.

Further along the trail, you can look off in the distance to see, placed strategically in the middle of this State Forest (because that's the most natural place for it, after all, right?) the Leominster Landfill. Honestly, whose idea was it to put a dump in the middle of a conservation area?

They did it over at Walden Pond also--they put a landfill right next to it.

Here is an example of the wildlife I encountered. I can't tell if this amphibious creature is a frog or a toad. I'm guess frog, since it has webbed feet:

Tuesday morning started out with rain, so I got a late start to my fishing trip to the Concord River. I don't mind fishing in a light drizzle, but I've had trouble with my reel when the rain is steady and soaking. I got the river mid-morning, just as the rain was letting up. Didn't have much luck though. I caught one bass, about 4 lbs:

And I caught my first pike of the year. Hurray! Maybe about 26 inches or so.

Wednesday was a beautiful day, so I went to the beach. I went to Plum Island, which is part of the Parker River National Wildlife Refuge. This is great place, because the parking lots have very few spots, so only a limited number of people will be on the beach at any given time. And much of the beach is closed to the public, to provide undisturbed nesting areas for endangered birds. A rickety old boardwalk leads over the dunes...

to the beach:

There are also some interpretive trails that go through the marsh and over the dunes, with accompanying literature explaining the various forces affecting these areas of island.

After exploring the trails and eating lunch on the beach, I went swimming for a little while, the first time I've gone swimming in about 5 years. The water was cold, but not as icy cold as it usually is. It was fun feeling the waves crash into me, but I think it would have been more fun if I had someone with whom I could splash around or throw a frisbee. One of the drawbacks of being a loner.

On Thursday, I decided to explore a river I had never seen before, the Ipswich River. It turns out that this isn't really much of a river--little more than a trickle, if you ask me. However, there is one part where the water accumulates into a small reservoir, much smaller than I thought it would be.

I threw a few casts, and was quite surprised to catch a small pike, maybe about 18 inches. Sorry, no pic--no place to put the camera down and set the timer, and a toothy critter like a pike is not the kind of fish I'd want to hold by the jaw with one hand. I felt bad for this fish because he had a large growth on his mouth, no doubt caused by polutants in his environment. The dark red stain of the water is a pretty clear indicator that it is not very healthy river.

After spending only a few hours at the Ipswich, I stopped by Horn Pond since it was on the way home.

I wanted to remind myself why I never fish at Horn Pond any more. Oh yeah, that's right, I never catch a damn thing there! And today was no different.

On Friday, I went back to the Concord River, and caught a pair of bass.

I also caught a pike, but as I was reaching down to grab him, he did the head shake, and got off the hook. I guess that means I didn't really catch him!

As is common with fish stories, the best ones are the ones that got away, and sadly, that was the case on this day. It was early afternoon, and I wasn't having much luck, starting to wonder if the trip out was really worth it. When all of a sudden, I got a major hit. He slammed it hard, and started fighting. I gave a good, solid hook-set to make sure I had him. He was peeling off drag like there was no tomorrow, clearly a very powerful fish. Based on his strength, he could have easily been 6 or 7 pounds at least. Then in the midst of the struggle, my line came flying back at me. Damn! What the hell happened? My first impression was that this was a big old pike, and my line got cut by his razor sharp teeth--this has happened to me many times. But that wasn't the case this time, because the line was not cut clean. In fact, it was still tied to my swivel-snap, but the clip part that clips onto the lure was bent backwards! The damn swivel-snap failed, and it cost me a big one, maybe the biggest fish I would've ever caught! So I lost a big fish, and I left a spinnerbait in a fish's mouth. I hate when that happens. I remembered last year, something similar happened, when I had another huge fish, but my line broke, and I left a weedless spoon in a fish's mouth. I theorized that the problem that time was my line had some nicks and abrasions from wear and tear, and the tension was too much for my weakened line. You gotta watch out for these kinds of failures. I gotta be careful to retie often to cut away damaged line, and use heavier gauge swivel-snaps!

Couch Potato

2006-08-12T19:20:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture of me lounging around on my couch (in my underwear). As you can see, it's not really a couch, it's a love seat sitting next to a recliner, with a folded afghan over where the arms meet. It may not be immediately obvious, but this is not a very comfortable way to lie down, and yet, this has been my living room seating apparatus for 7 years! On scorchingly hot and humid nights, I even sleep in this position, since my air conditioner is in this room. I usually wake up with an aching back. Both the love seat and the recliner are old and worn out. I inherited them from my sister-in-law when she and my brother were moving and getting new furniture. I inherited as well the checkered, beige slip-covers, which I've always thought were hideously ugly and do not match my rug very well.

So today, I got off my lazy, couch-sitting ass and bought a futon to replace the current arrangement. I wanted something I could stretch out on, and sleep on comfortably when necessary. And I wanted something with legs that would keep it several inches off the floor in case of another flood. So I got a nice, hard-wood futon for $600, after a $100 discount since it was the floor model. And I didn't realize it at the time, but Massachusetts has suspended the 5% sales tax this weekend, so I paid no tax. Got free delivery for mentioning the ad in the yellow pages (otherwise, they charge a fee). And I tried to use a $50 coupon from their webpage, but he said he couldn't do it, since I was already getting the $100 discount. "That's okay," I told him, "I already feel like I'm getting a pretty good deal." And he has to make profit, right? I must wait until next weekend for it to be delivered, but I'm looking forward to it. Maybe I'll post a pic when it comes in.

A Fish Story, But Not Mine

2006-08-03T21:48:00.000-04:00

Today was the third day of stifling heat here in New England, but this evening, by some miracle, the temperature dropped to about 75, the humidity disappeared, and it was absolutely gorgeous! So I went down to the pond to throw a few casts, see if anything was biting.

I got to my one my favorite spots, only to find it already taken by another angler, a young guy, maybe around 20. I asked him if he had any luck yet, and he replied he caught a couple small ones but that was it. He asked me if I fished there a lot and what worked well there, so I told him what I use, and gave him some advice on dealing with the aquatic weeds, which really limit your options. I mentioned the biggest fish I ever caught there was a largemouth around 6-7 lbs, and told him about a submerged pile of rocks about 30 feet that often has some bass hanging around it.

After wishing him luck, I kept walking to find another spot. The next one was also taken--Jeez, everyone was out fishing tonight! Those guys said they had only just arrived, so they hadn't caught anything yet. I kept walking.

The next spot was where the water flows out of the pond into a brook, and there I came upon a familiar face, an old guy who I often see fishing. I think he fishes every night, because I see him every time I go there. His name is Paul, and he's a Chinese guy around 70 years old, doesn't speak English very well. On a previous night, I mentioned I was half-Chinese, so I greeted him with a polite "Ni hao, ni hao!" In his quiet voice, he told me he hadn't caught anything yet. I took the spot on the other side of the brook from him, and proceeded to fish.

Paul caught a few small bass, and even though I was catching nothing, I was enjoying the cool, dry evening air and the cool breeze. As the sun set, the kid I saw at the first spot came walking by. As he was walking past Paul, I heard him say, "Hey buddy, you catch anything?" I couldn't hear Paul's soft-spoken response, but after he heared it, the kid continued, "I just caught a fuckin' 5 lb bass! You shoulda seen it, the thing was fuckin' huge!" Now I have no objections to speech interlaced with profanity, and I often use such words myself, but never when addressing an elder! It just seems so wrong--can you imagine talking to your grandfather like that? I can't. I laughed to myself, thinking, my god, I can't believe that kid! And wondering if Paul understood what he was saying.

Anyway, after his conversation with Paul, the kid walked over to where I was, and said, "Dude, thanks for that advice you gave me, cuz right afterwards, I caught a fuckin' 5 lb bass! It was right after you said to rig up a worm Texas-style. I put on one of those Gary Yamamoto worms, you know those big, fat worms, all black, rigged it up, and threw it out there. I let it drop to the bottom, gave it a few little twitches, and WHAM! That fuckin' thing hit it hard! I was pulling him in, and when he was about 30 feet out, he fuckin' jumped right out the fuckin' water! Yeah, man, he was a big mother-fucker! He had a mouth like this," He formed a circle with his thumbs and index fingers--I thought to myself, yeah, that would probably be about 5 lbs. He continiued, "I said, man, I gotta show this someone, so I took it over to those other guys over there," He pointed across the pond to the second occupied spot I happened upon earlier, as he said, "and they said, 'Shit, that's a big fish!' Man, I'm calling it a day, I figure it's better to end on a high note. But shit, man, you shoulda seen it!"

It's always fun to hear a good fish story, and I even contributed to this one--I wonder if I will still play the role as advice-giver when he relays it again to all his friends (and anyone else who will listen!). I doubt it, but that's cool. It was his fish, his achievement, his moment of glory! Good for him!

(I didn't have any doubts--that kid was genuine--but later that evening, I talked to those other guys, and they confirmed the kid's story. Although by their account, it was 4-5 lbs. Whatever--that's still a big fish!)

I ended up catching maybe 5 or 6 small bass. Nothing camera-worthy. But it was a great night nonetheless--that kid made my day!

My Greatest Fear

2006-07-28T12:05:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about writing a post on this subject, but the words just weren't coming to me. But this morning I was leafing through the pages of a notebook in which I keep notes from various self-help books I've read, and I came across a page I wrote a few years ago that says a lot of what is on my mind now. Actually, I feel kind of embarrassed posting it, so maybe I'll end up deleting this one. Transcription follows:

My Greatest Fear
failure
humiliation / embarrassment
letting someone down - others' disappointment or disapproval / hurting someone's feelings
feeling stupid
looking stupid or ridiculous
I am a perfectionist.
For my entire life, I've had to have been the best, or the smartest, or the fastest.
I drive myself to succeed in every endeavor.

I'm afraid to fail. Or even to fall short.
Not so much failure, just the appearance of failure.
I'm very forgiving of everyone except myself.

That feeling of being laughed at, or looked down upon, or being ridiculed, of being ~~contemptable~~ seen as something worthy of ridicule and contempt--such humiliation, such embarrassment. I hate that feeling so much that I avoid it at all costs. By driving myself to succeed. And a much more pathological habit: I avoid trying, rather than risk failing.

This fear is so central to my being. Why I keep everyone at a safe distance, not let anyone close. Not let anyone see that sometimes I fail, sometimes I'm weak or scared or vulnerable or helpless. That sometimes I can't think on my toes, that I don't always say the right thing. Actually, it's a lot of the time.

Window Sill Flora

2006-07-24T14:49:00.000-04:00

This pretty lil thing is the mango seed I have been cultivating. Isn't she the cutest thing? I'm not really sure at what point I should transfer it from water to soil, but so far it seems to be doing pretty well.

And here is a pic showing my avocado plant standing tall and handsome:

I'm proud of both plants, but I wonder if they will be strong enough to handle the Massachusetts winter. Even indoors it gets cold, and my west-facing windows don't get a whole lot of sunlight during the winter months.

Weekend Pics

2006-07-18T22:02:00.001-04:00

Saturday's catch:

Sunday's catch:

As you can see, Saturday was the better of the two days. But neither day was great--maybe too hot for the fish to bite. Also, aquatic weeds on this pond limit your options.

Sunset at the reservoir:

The Mysterious and Sexy Mango

2006-07-15T15:43:00.000-04:00

Mangos are wonderful and delicious fruits. They're juicy, tasty, succulent and sticky-sweet--if that doesn't scream sexy, I don't know what does!

But what a strange thing the pit of a mango is. Covered with a thick mat of inedible fibrous flesh, I wondered how you would go about trying to germinate the seed. After doing a little internet research, I decided to clean it off as best I could, let it dry out, then cut open the husk. Doing this revealed a big, white, bean-shaped seed. Unsure how best to get it to "hatch", I stuck toothpicks in it, like you would an avocado pit, and submerged it halfway in water in a yogurt cup. After several days, there appeared evidence of success as the root started to emerge. Then more unexpected changes occurred. The previously white seed became a bright, rich green color.

In addition to the mysterious color change, the seed also changed in another way. If you look at the seed from underneath, you see this:

Now just what does that remind you of? I told you mangos are sexy! I think I will give my mango plant a girl's name...

Well Wishes for the Middle East

2006-07-13T15:51:00.000-04:00

I know there's a lot of bad blood between Hezbollah and Israel, but things seem to be intensifying over there right now. The news that is getting reported here is confusing, but it sounds like it's all out war. Anyway, the only reason why I bring this up is because I check my site stats every once in a while, and among the very small number of visitors I get, I noticed that someone checks in from Beirut. Whoever you are, I hope you are safe and well, and that whatever is going on over there doesn't pose any danger to you.