Direction
I have really grown dissatisfied with this blog. Especially the last few posts, which I am deleting, because the lameness makes me cringe.
I first started blogging because there were things i wanted to say, about myself, my life, my perspective, that i never felt comfortable talking about. Things i kept hidden from the entire world, but which occupied my mind most of the time. I wanted to express and expose myself, from the relative safety of anonymity, to see if I could, for however brief a moment, overcome my fears of being judged, ridiculed, or humiliated. I wanted to see how people would respond, to see if my fear wasn't just mere illusion. They say the people in your life serve as a mirror, in which you can see yourself and your own soul. Since since my life is so lonely, friendless and asocial, I wondered how I would look in that mirror. And I got a glimpse. I learned something about myself.
Over the past 3 years, I definitely have grown as a person. I wrote about things I found difficult to talk about, and posted them in spite of my apprehension. And I discovered that it was neither as hard nor as embarrassing as I feared. In fact, in a way it was liberating just to express myself, to get it off my chest. And I enjoyed being heard and getting feedback. I even made a few blog-friends along the way, and though some of them I never hear from any more, they still mean a lot to me. Just connecting with people on any level is satisfying, and I think I got a little bit of that through this blog.
But now it's been a long time since I posted about anything meaningful or anything that weighs heavily on me. I know I still have things I want to say, but the motivation to actually find the words and make it happen, seems to be missing. Or else I'm slacking--maybe I'm just lazy. I almost feel like my ability to ruminate and reflect is diminishing, like my mind is becoming weaker and shallower. It's kind of distressing.
I've been wondering if I should keep this blog any longer. Is it done? Has it served its purpose and is now all worn out? Is there anything more for me to gain from it? I know I've taken only a few steps on my own road to self-improvement, and I still have miles to go before I feel comfortable within my own skin, expressing my ideas, being me. I'm just not sure how much more I can get out of a blog. The thing is, I'm not sure I'm gonna get it anywhere else either.
Looking back over my posts, there are many that have strayed from my intended goal. I think all the pics of my smiling face holding a fish are a real distraction from what I really want to say here (and there are plenty of other stupid posts I am tempted to delete too). Those fish pics I could proudly and fearlessly show to anyone. What I want to post here are the things that I wouldn't feel so comfortable sharing.
Before I ever started this blog, back in the planning stages, I put together a list of post ideas. Some of them became actual posts, but many are still waiting. I think I will keep this blog for now, and finish up those posts I had originally planned. Then after that, I'll re-evaluate again.
I first started blogging because there were things i wanted to say, about myself, my life, my perspective, that i never felt comfortable talking about. Things i kept hidden from the entire world, but which occupied my mind most of the time. I wanted to express and expose myself, from the relative safety of anonymity, to see if I could, for however brief a moment, overcome my fears of being judged, ridiculed, or humiliated. I wanted to see how people would respond, to see if my fear wasn't just mere illusion. They say the people in your life serve as a mirror, in which you can see yourself and your own soul. Since since my life is so lonely, friendless and asocial, I wondered how I would look in that mirror. And I got a glimpse. I learned something about myself.
Over the past 3 years, I definitely have grown as a person. I wrote about things I found difficult to talk about, and posted them in spite of my apprehension. And I discovered that it was neither as hard nor as embarrassing as I feared. In fact, in a way it was liberating just to express myself, to get it off my chest. And I enjoyed being heard and getting feedback. I even made a few blog-friends along the way, and though some of them I never hear from any more, they still mean a lot to me. Just connecting with people on any level is satisfying, and I think I got a little bit of that through this blog.
But now it's been a long time since I posted about anything meaningful or anything that weighs heavily on me. I know I still have things I want to say, but the motivation to actually find the words and make it happen, seems to be missing. Or else I'm slacking--maybe I'm just lazy. I almost feel like my ability to ruminate and reflect is diminishing, like my mind is becoming weaker and shallower. It's kind of distressing.
I've been wondering if I should keep this blog any longer. Is it done? Has it served its purpose and is now all worn out? Is there anything more for me to gain from it? I know I've taken only a few steps on my own road to self-improvement, and I still have miles to go before I feel comfortable within my own skin, expressing my ideas, being me. I'm just not sure how much more I can get out of a blog. The thing is, I'm not sure I'm gonna get it anywhere else either.
Looking back over my posts, there are many that have strayed from my intended goal. I think all the pics of my smiling face holding a fish are a real distraction from what I really want to say here (and there are plenty of other stupid posts I am tempted to delete too). Those fish pics I could proudly and fearlessly show to anyone. What I want to post here are the things that I wouldn't feel so comfortable sharing.
Before I ever started this blog, back in the planning stages, I put together a list of post ideas. Some of them became actual posts, but many are still waiting. I think I will keep this blog for now, and finish up those posts I had originally planned. Then after that, I'll re-evaluate again.
posted by Johnny Introvert at 7:35 PM
7 Comments:
I love seeing you pop up in my reader, whether it is a fish post or not. I will continue to read your blog as long as you have it. Some blogs just extrude a certain something that keeps people coming back...yours is one of those for me. One thing I think I finally got over was the wondering if I should delete my blog. I realized my blog is there if I want it and if I don't I just don't post. Probably not so good for readership, but I don't do it for that anyhow. For now it just fulfills a creative outlet I am lacking elsewhere. Personally I would be sad if you stopped posting your fish photos, it seems like such a big part of "you", maybe that is just how I am reading it though. Sorry about the ramble... :)
Ditto to what Ashley said.... I enjoy reading your blog, and I'll certainly continue to read it. Also, I would argue that variety is good for a blog; it needs the serious posts, the lighter posts, and (at least in your case) the fish pictures!
Hi Ashley, thanks for your words of encouragement! I think the way you see your blog is exactly the right way to look at it. I think lately I've just been feeling frustrated about my current lack of ideas. But to have the blog here when (or if) they come is a good thing. Thanks for reminding me.
Hi Gina, thank you for your encouragement also! You are absolutely right about variety of topics and different levels of seriousness. I have a bad habit of taking myself too seriously, and sometimes I get stuck in that mode and need someone to shake me out of it. So thanks! And since the fish pics are such a big hit, I guess I will continue them!
Peaks & Valleys my friend....
Blogs, life, relationships, social interactions, sex, emotions.....they all have them.
Personally....I think blogs serve ppl not the other way around so if u are going through a spell of not feeling all sharsies etc...so be it.
We cant be profound all the time dammit haha
I hope you don't shut her down...even if you are getting the tiniest of insight from blogging i cant see how thats a bad thing...
Christ have u read mine lately? I should go to jail for some of that drivel hahahahahaha
Hi Jen, you are right also. I will keep the blog for now, but at the rate I'm going, I think my posts will continue to be sparse. By the way, your blog is consistently hilarious! And congrats on your new job!
well u should say HEY sometime on there u lurker! haha
I've been reading your blog and it brings tears to my eyes. I see so much of myself in you. I don't know why but I've always wanted to be more extroverted but it just doesn't come naturally to me. I have the same problems as you such as the anxiety.
Don't stop posting your blogs, no matter how lame you are worried they might be. There will be someone out there like me that reads them.
It helps to prop you up to realize that there are others like you out there. It is nice to see that you have the courage to write about your life on the internet.
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