The Stupidest Thing
I just did the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Well, that's not really true, but this one ranks really high up there. I bought a packet of potato soup mix, and I thought I'd give it try for dinner tonight. But I was afraid potato soup by itself would be too bland and boring, so I decided I'd spice it up a little by adding some hot chili peppers to it. At the grocery store this morning, I asked the produce stocker which were the hottest peppers they had. He pointed to some little, tiny peppers, which he said has many names, but which was commonly called the Scotch Bonnet. He said in ominous tones that they were the hottest peppers by far. I told him I was going to put them into a soup so they would be well diluted from their full strength, but I'd give them a try straight before doing so. He cautioned me, "Well, make sure you have a glass of water, or a beer nearby." I thanked him for the warning, but I was sure I would try a small enough piece to avoid too much pain. I bought three--at $1.50 per pound, 3 cost me 10 cents.
So I boiled some water for the soup, and got myself a glass of water. I cut one of the chilis in half, and cut off a tiny sliver from the outer layer. I touched it to the tip of my tongue. Then waited. Nothing. I chewed up that tiny sliver with my front teeth only, and after a moment felt some heat. Not too much, but a good amount from such a small sliver. I cut another sliver, a little bigger, chewed it up in a similar fashion. Felt the spiciness again, but really nothing overpowering. I was a little disappointed. These chilis weren't as hot as I expected.
So I wondered what the inner part was like, the core, to which all the seeds were attached. I removed the the seeds, and cut a sliver from it. Again, proceeding with caution, I chewed it with my front teeth only. After a moment's pause, I felt heat building quickly, so spit it out at once, and grabbed the glass of water to rinse out my mouth. But rinsing didn't help. The heat was spreading, and man, it was fucking intense! This must have been what the produce guy warned me about. I threw on the faucet to rinse out my mouth with cold water straight from the tap, and the coolness helped, but as soon as I stopped the heat was still there, more intense than I'd ever felt, and it wasn't going away. My tongue was on fire, and after a few minutes, my lips were as well. Shit, this was bad. I got out an ice cube, and sucked on it through a paper towel--luckily, this was giving me some relief. But then I could feel the heat going into my left nostril. Oh god, was this just gonna keep spreading? What the hell have I done?
I went to the sink and tried to wash out my mouth and nose with soap and warm water. Immediately after, it felt even worse! Shit! Back to the ice cube! Damn, was I gonna have to go to the hospital or something? This was really bad. It was like I took a pepper spray to my face (actually, I'll bet a pepper spray is a hundred times worse--it must be really unbearable). So I powered up my computer, and did a quick search on treatments for pepper spray. The first page I found said to wash with cold water, and that warm water would open the pores, making things worse. I had already found that out through experiment. The webpage recommended Liquid Antacid Water, like a Maalox solution. Well, I don't have any Maalox!
Next I searched on "hot peppers too hot" and found that Wikipedia had an entry about what to do. So I went there, and it said acids, like lemon juice, dissolve the active chemical, and milk has a protein to neutralize it. The ice cube was keeping my lips under control, but my burning nostril was pushing me to the edge of freaking out. I grabbed a bottle of lemon juice, and proceeded to scrub my face with it. It helped a little, but after I rinsed it off, the burning was still there. Next up: milk. I poured a glass, and scrubbed my face with it. The relief from this was very noticeable. But what about my nose? How do I get milk into my nose? I was in no state of mind to laugh while trying to drink it. Being the clever and resourceful guy I am, I found a way to drink milk through my nose, and oh my god, it really made everything feel much better. And drinking it provided much needed relief to my lips. And the best part was that this relief persisted. 45 minutes after the nightmare began, the milk had brought it under control. I never thought I'd have such strong feelings of gratitude toward the dairy industry.
Having survived this ordeal, I decided I'd prefer to have plain, old, boring, bland potato soup for dinner after all. No hot peppers for me, thank you very much. In fact, I think I'm going to avoid them all together for the foreseeable future.
So I boiled some water for the soup, and got myself a glass of water. I cut one of the chilis in half, and cut off a tiny sliver from the outer layer. I touched it to the tip of my tongue. Then waited. Nothing. I chewed up that tiny sliver with my front teeth only, and after a moment felt some heat. Not too much, but a good amount from such a small sliver. I cut another sliver, a little bigger, chewed it up in a similar fashion. Felt the spiciness again, but really nothing overpowering. I was a little disappointed. These chilis weren't as hot as I expected.
So I wondered what the inner part was like, the core, to which all the seeds were attached. I removed the the seeds, and cut a sliver from it. Again, proceeding with caution, I chewed it with my front teeth only. After a moment's pause, I felt heat building quickly, so spit it out at once, and grabbed the glass of water to rinse out my mouth. But rinsing didn't help. The heat was spreading, and man, it was fucking intense! This must have been what the produce guy warned me about. I threw on the faucet to rinse out my mouth with cold water straight from the tap, and the coolness helped, but as soon as I stopped the heat was still there, more intense than I'd ever felt, and it wasn't going away. My tongue was on fire, and after a few minutes, my lips were as well. Shit, this was bad. I got out an ice cube, and sucked on it through a paper towel--luckily, this was giving me some relief. But then I could feel the heat going into my left nostril. Oh god, was this just gonna keep spreading? What the hell have I done?
I went to the sink and tried to wash out my mouth and nose with soap and warm water. Immediately after, it felt even worse! Shit! Back to the ice cube! Damn, was I gonna have to go to the hospital or something? This was really bad. It was like I took a pepper spray to my face (actually, I'll bet a pepper spray is a hundred times worse--it must be really unbearable). So I powered up my computer, and did a quick search on treatments for pepper spray. The first page I found said to wash with cold water, and that warm water would open the pores, making things worse. I had already found that out through experiment. The webpage recommended Liquid Antacid Water, like a Maalox solution. Well, I don't have any Maalox!
Next I searched on "hot peppers too hot" and found that Wikipedia had an entry about what to do. So I went there, and it said acids, like lemon juice, dissolve the active chemical, and milk has a protein to neutralize it. The ice cube was keeping my lips under control, but my burning nostril was pushing me to the edge of freaking out. I grabbed a bottle of lemon juice, and proceeded to scrub my face with it. It helped a little, but after I rinsed it off, the burning was still there. Next up: milk. I poured a glass, and scrubbed my face with it. The relief from this was very noticeable. But what about my nose? How do I get milk into my nose? I was in no state of mind to laugh while trying to drink it. Being the clever and resourceful guy I am, I found a way to drink milk through my nose, and oh my god, it really made everything feel much better. And drinking it provided much needed relief to my lips. And the best part was that this relief persisted. 45 minutes after the nightmare began, the milk had brought it under control. I never thought I'd have such strong feelings of gratitude toward the dairy industry.
Having survived this ordeal, I decided I'd prefer to have plain, old, boring, bland potato soup for dinner after all. No hot peppers for me, thank you very much. In fact, I think I'm going to avoid them all together for the foreseeable future.
posted by Johnny Introvert at 7:51 PM
6 comments
